strawberry fields forever;

used up luck

2011-12-27T04:46:00.000+08:00

hey lovess,

So Im gng to be blogging abt the day I got my results. I got straight A's. Yeaaa, was sposed to be wakingup @8 to go to school &whtnot, results wld be out by 10 bt I frgt to set my alarm &by the time I wokeup it was like 12 &everyone had alrdy gotten my results. I wokeup to my phone buzzing, receiving lotsve txt messages frm my friends asking where the heck I was &congratulations.

My mum gt pretty pissed @me fr missing school lulz bt it was all cool. uhm, on getting straight A's.. I hve to admit it felt pretty good bt I also felt guilty cos I knw rlly smart friends who've been working so hard to get them bt didn't &here I am, barely bothered abt evn trying or abt the results. I am extremely thankful though tht it has been an amazing year. I am paying fr my own thanksgiving mass &tht itself isn't enough to show hw grateful I am to be so very blessed this year. I love you, God ♥

So sis &I went out in the afternoon abt 1pm to go collect my results thn we decided to go laminate it. I got damn pissedoff like srsly. If you live in seremban you will knw where blossom is &omgwtf dnt evr go to the stationery shop in blossom, the one located in the row of shop lots tht is a few metres away frm my school, opposite thursday pasar malam (sorry I dunno hw else to describe it xD). This is why Im effing pissedoff:

1) The aunty there was soooooooo slow, I waited fr like 20mins+ jst fr one examslip &there was NOT MORE THAN 2 CUSTOMERS IN THE SHOP PLS ICJD. Like woman, cn you like walk faster or smething, Im not being rude here ok it's not like she's 50 bt she was like in her 30s &let me tell you this, my 70 yr old teacher walks 10x faster than you.

2) There was like what abt 5 people working in the shop & only one of them *knws hw to laminate stuffs. Hello pls this is a stationery shop, STATIONERY SHOP EMPLOYEES ARE SPOSED TO KNW HW TO DO STUFFS LIKE THIS.

*bullschlaka, pls read below.

3) I dnt like these kindve ppl most like srsly, if you DNT KNW HW TO DO SMETHNG, JST SAY SO. I dnt evn want to continue cos my heart is breaking w every word (T.T) basically, they ruined my exam slip. Not very badly, but it looks ugly cos there's this big line of air on the left.

Im nvr gng bck there; ever. I dnt get why so many of my school friends say tht shop is good. Maybe it's jst my luck or smethng ): anyway, Im sticking to my regular shop @rasahjaya cos service is fast, uncle who owns it is super friendly, employees there are experts +so near my house (bonus pts!) :B

Went to JJ after tht w sis, she spent our lunch @kenny roger's thn we walked around fr a bit befre deciding to go fr a manicure. After tht, we saw the perfect christmas present fr father dear so we split it between the both of us. I decided to spend the both of us herbal jelly since it was evening &being typical members of the liew family, we were rlly hungry &tht was whn dad phoned me yelling "where in the world are the both of you?!" & "come back home now, we have dinner @7!!!!!". Oh hw I love him so (x

sped home, had dinner w whole fam, went home, did regular shit.

sneak preview of many mre lala attempts to come {:

ciao lovess, kthxbaii.

greed vs love

2011-12-22T04:00:00.000+08:00

hey lovess,

Im back continuing my efforts to blog mre often so yeap here I am. Today is the day of my PMR results &no Im not awake outve anxiety or fear, I jst cnt sleep cos I slept off my hunger fr 3hrs+ in the afternoon, without thinking ofcourse on the effect tht tht will hve on me.

Facebook is currently flooded w status updates abt PMR &it rlly is quite amusing to read abt hw everyone has their own ways to battle their nervousness though after a while it gets pretty annoying. Mine lasted only fr abt an hour+ I hve no idea why lulz. My parents wld usually be all workedup &worried in my place &they usually are amazed @my ability to stay calm despite facing nervewrecking situations like competitions, results, examinations etc. but this time was a little different. My mum especially surprised me, she was being rlly understanding &whatnot. I guess they had finally gotten usedto my character; I dnt knw whether to be happy abt this.

Some of my friends are like crazy panicking, their reason is usually cos theyre afraid of disappointing their parents &some jst think tht not getting straight A's is like the biggest messup in their life; it's not the end of the world pls wake up. Fr me, the downfall of nt getting straight A's is probably, being completely honest here, my pride. I wont lie that my pride is pretty important to me but only in certain situations.Trust me, I do A LOT of embarrassing stuffs bt surprisingly those dnt hurt my pride as much. I guess my pride is only concerned when smeone puts me down or I suck or lose in smething tht I knw Im good in.

Oh since we're in the topic of pride right, I feel rlly flattered tht mostve you wnt to see more of my photographs heheh egoboost like tres much {: Truthfully, Im not being modest, I dnt consider myself all tht pretty bt thankyouuu so much to all of you who've kindly showered me w such lovely compliments (: ~~my face is rlly red nw.~~

*mengada face :b

Nahhh a supervainpot picture of me cos Im so thickskinned like tht xD
This was like sme lastminute photo, so excuse bad editting &bitchface {:

kme

yknw right a lot of people from my school think yre a bitch whn they dnt evn knw you.

they say tht you look damn stuckup &bossy.

it's the face.

ciao lovess, kthxbai (:

pocketful of posies

2011-12-20T14:08:00.007+08:00

hey lovess,

I broke my promise again I see, Im rlly sorry w the disappointing monthly posts. Ive jst been rlly preoccupied lately, getting distracted frm minor minor things heheh. so basically, in november, I celebrated my grandma's birthday &attended my cousin's wedding, she's the eldest female grandchild on my mum's side.

19/11/11

nobody told me my grandma's age +there was only one candle on the cake bt puhaaa I still think my grandma so cutee!

20/11/11

it was damn tiring like srsly had to wakeup super early in the morning to go to my aunt's house took photographs, waited fr the groom to come &the process was soooo long. traditional chinese wedding omg rlly complicating bt I found it quite interesting rlly, all the ceremonies &whtnot. whn the groom arrived, he had to complete tasks, give money thn after seeing the bride they both had to serve tea to their elders thn the young ones collect red packets. then, we move on to the groom's house to eat.

As interesting as it may be, it is so long& tedious I think if I were the bride, I'd be like super impatient &grumpy. smemre it was like damnnnn hot on tht day like Im nt evn joking burning hot -.- Im gonna get married in a church hahahahah cos I love my religion (not being racist!) +it's weird bt my dream weddings hve always been like set in a church I dunno why I jst think it's extra romantic or smethng yknwww?

ate this otw to the dinner cos was tres hungryy

no pictures of the wedding dinner cos the lighting in the restaurant was shit &every picture we took was like black. sorry nya ok, no dslr only ciplak digital camera (x so here's smethng I made fr the brideee.

left her an empty space to fill in her wedding photo (:

spent the entire day making this card fr my cousin. yes, ladies & gentlemen, everything is handmade. I actually painstakingly wrapped paper fr the base of the card, made the dress outve little pieces of materials &threaded the supertiny little beads together.. Im THT jobless lulz bt I spent so much time on the front tht by the time I got to doing the inside, it was alrdy time to get ready fr the wedding so I jst tried my best to finish it thts why the inside isnt rlly complete.

it was a fun, eventful day. everyone was rlly happy. the only sad thing was tht my grandma (mum's mum) fell sick on the wedding day &was rlly sad tht she cldnt attend the wedding +suemay is like her favourite grandchild. so yea, other than tht it was great! I wish tht my cousin will lead a longgg & happy life w her husband !

anyway thtll be all fr nw, will update mre soon!
cioa lovess, kthxbai (:

posing on a postcard

2011-11-19T04:17:00.004+08:00

hey lovess,

Im baaaaaaaaack. to whts left of my readers, I love you. it's been a month & I knw Ive been neglecting this blog; again. this yr, I hvnt been blogging much if you guys hve noticed cos I hvnt been doing much. the stuffs tht I do are pretty lame in sme ways too like yknw boring so I dnt rlly update on tht. but anyway Ive been rlly docile this holidays so Ive decided to board the blogging train again &hopefully update my blog a little more. so look forward to more posts coming up ok!

ciao lovess, kthxbai (:

fuel and brains

2011-10-22T02:15:00.009+08:00

hey lovess ,

gah ! I always dread my thoughts whn I remind myself tht Im gng to hve to type out this post. after days of encouragement I finally decided to get ovr w it. I rlly dnt like blogging abt this subject though. brace yrselves fr a lot of words frm yrs truly @217 in the morning. I rlly shld start sleeping properly.

food fr lunchbreak frm mother dearest. look closer @the sausages, tht was her failed attempt of making octopuses fr me cos I told her I wnted octupus shaped sausages ahhh love her so much!

I will be completely honest on this blog so trust me whn I tell you tht I barely studied fr PMR. I tried, rlly not my best bt I did try bt smehw my mind jst wasnt there; I cldnt focus &I lost concentration rlly easily. if yre smeone close to me, you wld knw tht I only study fr 3 subjects fr every exam tht I take &those subs were: history, geography & home economics. cme day befre PMR & I started worrying a lil abt my other subs bt I guess it wasnt enough to make me study the rest hehe. I shall summarise my study schedule. approx. 1day fr geo, 3 1/4 days history + 2days of hme eco. brilliant isnt it, the shit I put myself into?

food fr lunchbreak #2

I cnt remember my exam timetable & I cnt find it anywhere so Im jst gonna guess uhm yea so firstday was alright, second day was english,.. I srsly cnt remember lulz bt science & math were alright. geography was okay; but shitfck Im worried fr home eco & history. EVERYBODY KNWS STEPHANIE HATES HISTORY OK. hate is a strong word,

thts why I used it. I shall not elaborate on this to avoid heartache. basically, I hope the A mark is like superlow fr both subs bt hearing frm everyone tht the paper was easy, I dnt feel so lucky anymre.

anyway enough of PMR & on to Mighty Minds 2011 (: yayerz.

it was basically pretty fun, didnt rlly make any friends frm the other states they all looked rlly tense &stressedup so I didn't rlly wnt to go talk to em though I did befriend a guy only AFTER the competition, it turns out he knws one of my sban friends so tht was pretty cool. small world coincidence. oh did I mention he won firstplace? HAHAHA hoyeaaa, make friends w the smart ppl (x I got 6th place uhm so tht was a little disappointing especially since we were behind like by 0 point something marks like it's LESS THAN ONE POINT omgwth *dies

nevertheless, it was still a pretty good experience +I got interviewed again &tht came out on tv. for those of you guys who didnt knw, they interviewed me alone whn I won state lvl &it was on television but nw it cn also be found on youtube! Im not gonna link it here though so if you want to watch it, yre gonna hve to go through all the trouble to search fr it yrselves hehe. fr nationals, they interviewed my whole team & there was some conflict during the competition bt I don't wnt to say it here cos it's jst gonna make me seem like a sore loser :b &Im not.

parents went fr sme dinner during comp hee

kthxbai ♥

& omg one of the coordinators looked like daniel freakin henney ICJD.

puppet principals with walking sticks

2011-10-14T11:31:00.010+08:00

hey lovess,

just gonna update a little here; PMR ended last week. thts right, bitchess tht means Im free to do wtv I want fr like 2mnths+ Im not evn going to bother going to school anymore. I had to though this week cos I had to practice fr my upcoming competition: Mighty Minds 2011 nationals.

we basically read ALOT of stuffs & by alot I mean x7billion more than what I studied fr PMR, answered lots of quizzes &did projects. we hve been doing this weekly but this week we did much more than usual. so far Ive made a rocking chair, a rubberband powered boat, water filter, manually operated elevator, burglar alarm fr a house, three tiered water fountain, etc. all made outve recyclables. I enjoy hands on projects so much &thts prob the reason why I joined in the first place.

Im going to be leaving @3pm today &will only be back on Sunday. wish me all the best, I'll update about the competition whn I get back. maybe about PMR too though I'd rather not talk about it. anyhoo ladeedoo, pray fr me success. I hope to atleast be able to get into the top 5 (:

ciao lovess, kthxbai !

purple sharpeners

2011-10-07T15:47:00.007+08:00

hey lovess,

mummy's birthday was on the 5th, 4days after daddy's (they were made fr each other cos daddy was born 4yrs 4 days later) & on her birthday it was the second day fr PMR so we didn't rlly go out to eat. papa packed food home & we ate in the living room watching overlydramatic chinese dramas on tv.

my mother is an amazing woman. she had a hard life whn she was younger but she managed to age so gracefully, she's now 48 bt she's still the most beautiful woman I knw &though we aren't megarich nw either, our life is a happy contented one. mummy was rlly pretty whn she was younger, she has modelled before & won several pageants hehe I dnt look a thing like her unfortunately. my mother rlly cares abt everyone in the family & everyone always says tht shes an excellent daughter in law.

feeling kindve bad nw cos last post I was bragging abt my dad & nw it's abt my mum ahahaha.

mummy got this extra cake frm her friends (:

anyway, my mum is pretty cool cos she's not a reaally typical asian mum. she likes nagging me abt studying hard &whtnt bt she always lets me out w friends. I cn stay out till rlly late w my friends &she usually wont mind jst as long as I reach home safe. I tell my mummy almost everything in my life, boys, bitches &girlfriends. she knws abt all the guys tht I like &she doesnt restrict me in hanging out alone w guys jst as long as she knws them. boyfriends are noprob either nyaha see my mum so cool right.

anyway, happy birthday mummy. I love you & thankyou fr everything tht you've done fr me (:

ciao, lovess.

a rush of blood to the head

2011-10-07T01:31:00.023+08:00

hey lovess,

anyway it was my daddy's birthday on saturdayyy &despite hvng lastminute tui nonstop +hvng to cram later tht night cos Im absolutely clueless abt wtv fr PMR which was gng to happen on tuesday, I went to dinner to celebrate the man I love so bloody much's bday (:

there was alotve other food too ok but I was too busy eating em so I didnt rlly bother taking much photos nyahahaha. lighting was so shit tht day I wnted to kill myself srsly, so please forgive heavily editted photos. it wasn't my fault the lights had to go out cos the wedding on the other side of the restaurant had their first course the exact same time father's cake came out. oh &btw I bought him the cake cos I foundout nobody was buying him one like wth birthday no cake no wayyyy +I hvnt had cake in ages.

be jealous my family's gorgeous :b

anyway, I dnt hve to keep saying this cos everybodyyyy knws I love my papa to bits ok. he's so handsome right HAHAHAH my sister's friends think he's rlly hot bt ew no he's my daddy. this post is dedicated to my super father who loves music &knws more mainstream music than I do, puts everyone else before himself &who thinks goodfood is the way to enjoy life. I feel rlly proud to hve him as my daddy cos he's basically the perfect gentleman like literally; middleaged women jst love him so much.

so although he gave me my uneven eyes, heavy bones &big build, he also sacrificed a lot & gave me other things which are more important than life. happy 44th birthday, papa. I love youuu (:

ciao, lovess.

little joys in life

2011-09-30T21:46:00.006+08:00

hey lovess,

I got to keep the bouquet frm the 60th anni hehe so this is a picture of the roses that have wilted, they were red before but nw theyre purplish black. it's tradition fr me to press the flowers (w the exception of roses) & to keep the fabric they used fr the bouquet. I keep the fabric to make cards &stuff cos theyre like rlly super pretty. Ive been doing this everysingletime during valentine's or whnvr anyone of my family members receive flowers.

anyway, pmr is like in a few days time &I dunno wth I am feeling. it's like I'm not even nervous, it's impossible. I rlly shld be brushingup on my history since thts my worst subject but here I am blogging & stalking random uhm, singers. so I'm a little obsessed with the internet, ok maybe a lot & Im starting to think that it's an unhealthy addiction. I just have to hope I dnt crash & burn on the actual pmr day. wish me luck, pray for me.

uhmazing storebought cookies

ciao lovess (:

for eternity

2011-09-30T21:27:00.012+08:00

hey loves,

on the 14th of Sept, my grandaunt Marie & granduncle Steven celebrated their 60th anniversary here in Seremban. it was a rlly private affair & there were only three tables filled with their closest friends & family. it was still very lively despite only having tht little amount of people.

I think that they are really lucky to still have each other for so long & I really admire them cos they were able to stay w each other for every single day for 60 freakin yrs. tht mustve required like a ton of patience & love. I think the way they care fr each other is rlly sweet & adorable, especially the way my grandaunt cares fr her husband. it's by having these kindve people in my family that has made me a firm disbeliever of divorce. for me whn it comes to marriage, it's till death to us part.

little stars &butterflies on the table (:

ciao lovess (:

paper lights

2011-09-12T17:16:00.016+08:00

hey guys,

happy mid-autumn festival! (: I love lanterns, candles & mooncakes like fo' shizzle.

super short post! Ive been thinking of changing my blog address so this is a headsup before I do it. I'll leave a link on this original add though so no worries! I was a little hesitant at first whn I foundout tht I'll be losing alot of stuffs like followers & my google record but yknw whtever, the new address will be shorter & easier to remember, I guarantee. hvnt rlly decided wht it will be jst yet but I rlly hope tht whtever I wnt will be available. hve a great week!

ciao, lovess.

rebirth

2011-09-08T17:36:00.008+08:00

hey lovess ,

this for now is a new blog layout tht I designed myself using the simple template frm blogger. hope you guys like it though it's a little plain & whtnt. I personally think this is better than the previous one I had, easier to look at as well.

as you can see everything is new including the chatbox & the music, the layout is pretty much the same cept fr a few tweaks. for now I'm only going to allow one post per page because I want everything to look organized, I dnt like a mixture of my old one & my new current one so yea.

I hve to start blogging more I realised everytime I say tht I never seem to be able to follow through. so anyway tell me what you think of my new design, flood the chatbox it looks rlly barenaked. soon be patient.

ciao lovess.

gratefulness

2011-08-12T02:15:00.010+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JIANJIAN !

this is for you, handsomeboyy !

to my friend tan jian hong that I met through blogger who happens to be in the same school as I am. I am thankful to have met you; thankyou so much for being an amazing friend. I enjoy chatting with you &omg why are you like supernice, it's unnatural! we're still pretty new friends so I'm hoping to get to know you better. thankyou for being so cool about me liking henry hehe I'll keep your secrets well too, promise. whatever troubles that you have, whatever it is that is hurting you, I wish for them to simply fade away. stay happy ok (:

2011-07-18T17:40:00.016+08:00

hey lovess,

love is like oxygen.

you get too much, you get too high nt enough & yre gonna die.

I see all my friends who are actually in relationships, some of em are like rlly happy while some felt the same like I did. one of the worst feelings that anyone will ever feel, in my opinion, is probably loving someone whole heartedly & not having the person you love love you bck. or basically, you jst plain are not appreciated. yea, tht feeling sucks bt we all get through w it.

I listened to my bestfriend & decided to talk abt my displeasure but all tht led me was basically to a not very good end. I got hurt, heartbroken, internally I felt like I was dead, etc. but tht jst made me realise tht if someone who apparently loves you cn jst let go of you because they didnt want to try, tht person isnt rlly bothered &here's a cool fact, you deserve so much more. if tht person loves you, he'll try his best, he'll give everything tht he's got to make everything work. why stay quiet in a relationship which is hurting you instead of speaking out on how you rlly feel to find out whether yr love is mutual? it's difficult letting go but it's all part of life yknw. if it's meant to be, somehow both of you will end up together, it'll be.

I jst had to get tht off my chest cos so many of friends are in unhappy relationships & I rlly jst wnt to tell em to make all of it worthwhile. no regrets (: bt it rlly sucks hw I dnt rlly follow my own advice like at all -.-

btw, I like a guy named Henry, he's frm my school. I like him, uhm a lot? (x

ciao lovess, kthxbai.

2011-07-11T17:43:00.007+08:00

hey lovess,

it's monday &Im feeling kindve normal lawl I used to hate mondays but now Im kindve on good terms w it cos there's rlly little subs in school. this wont be a proper post but rather just the outcome of boredom befre I go shower. the chocolate picture, relates to the chocolate cake I baked in school today. AHAHAHA *excited. we baked cake today for homesc & it turnedout okay. my cake was crusty on the top but rlly nice &gooey on the inside {: it was prettygood considering everyone was rlly stingy with the cocoa.
I hear all the form3s moan &groan abt trials comingup &honestly, I dnt rlly give a shit +theyre getting kindve annoying. complaining how they are so nervous abt it &hw they hvnt studied; Im like bitch, please.

my classmates are a bunch of crazies, for real. everytime the lights go out, they sing happy birthday &theyre rlly political. srsly lmao funny whey, they shit they get up to xD

anyhoo, this is a totally irrelevant post bt whttheheck, all my posts are irrelevant anyway heee. ciao , lovess. kthxbai (:

I think Im alright but I know what Im feeling, this isn't happiness.

003.

2011-07-11T15:43:00.007+08:00

truth is, Ive found more than one who love me;
faults & all.
I just dntknw hw to tell them tht,
I cannot believe in everything I used to.

2011-07-08T16:11:00.013+08:00

hey lovess,

every single time I start a new blogpost Im always ready to type out that I will be blogging atleast weekly or basically just a little more often. unfortunately after that particular blogpost I simply forget about whtevr Ive written &continue living life, which I should say is not very interesting. I apologise bytheway, fr nt updating.

it's been so long since I last blogged I actually feel kindve awkward, no seriously. to be honest, Ive been spending a lot less time online now than I used to. I remember spending more than 14hours infrontve the computer during the holidays despite the tried eyes, aching back &numb ass. now I just prefer to daydream; as if I dnt daydream enough alrdy, Im doing it almost 24/7. surprisingly, I actually love it, daydreaming. I dnt rlly hve to give a damn about reality so everything around me is just a blur &yeaa, basically all of reality is purged out the second it enters. that's why I dont stop.

I mentioned in my last post I was entering SIR & so I did. I got 2nd place & won RM2500. RHB hates me so bad, I swear. first for taking rm5000 frm them fr mighty minds & now another rm2500. the 5000 was spilt among the three of us so I got about 1600. I bought my grandparents breakfast, dimsum @minkok cos yknw I love em so much. the rest of the $ I'll saveup &ohyea, Im gonna hve to get a new phone as my old one got soaked while I was txting in the rain like a fool.

http://thestar.com.my/mightyminds/story.asp?file=/2011/4/24/mightyminds/8513126&sec=mightyminds

pastfewmnths was basically granduncle steven & grandaunt marie came back fr their annual holiday from aussie. they stayedovr fr abt a month &it was good having them. by good I mean, Im literally NEVER hungry when their around. uncle steven's gonnabe 90 but he sure does still hve a healthy appetite. aunty carol from aust also came back & she's rlly superduper nice. uncle ray, aunty anne & cousins patrick & kieran were also here. Pat brought his girlfriend who's an American. also, we celebrated my grandparent's 50th anniversary it was tres sweet. k omg it's like you dnt hve to stalk me to knw wht I do it's like all here.

Im being pressured like rightnow at this moment since the last few mnths. wht with trials coming up, mm nationals, MagInc in which I worked so bloody hard for I better get to Hong Kong otherwise Im going to hve to start a mass murder.

ESSAYS, fr the love of god. Im behind about 6 essays for malay & about 9 for english. partly because Im nt rlly bothered but also cos Ive been busy. I also hve to send in an essay fr the school mag omg bt I think Im gng to jst pretend I nvr knw I had to do tht.

CF lunch comingup &honestly I wld love to be the emcee again as Ive always been since form1 but along comes some idiot guy who wants to partner with me, ugh. this is the same guy who hit on me during a church gathering, the same guy who offered me cake, the exact same who stalks me around in school just so he can say hi. I honestly used to feel bad for him but now I jst feel like I dntknw, creeped out I guess. so anyway, I lied. I'll spill the beans once the lunch is over & done with.

my formspring's been abandoned & there's jst so many questions to answer I cnt rlly convince myself to like answer each &everysingle oneve em so Im jst going to let them sit there fr a bit till I actually find my willpower. Ive been addicted to movies lately. watched some prettyAWESOME movies recently, all downloaded using btjunkie &Ive been having a ball *grins. currently hvng a celebcrush on Aaron Johnson &KimJaeuck; ICJD. The second one was weird lawl cos he's not very goodlooking, I jst feel so fcking attracted to him cos of the way he carries himself &all yknwwww, k I shld stop.

memorable day: it was a holiday but there was still tuition class so the girls & I had tea befre walking there. of pervy men, fishermanstories w iced milo, pink bandung, chocolate icecream & dirtylooks.

I'll try my best to update, not a promise. ciao, lovess.
KTHXBAI.

these nightmares from that day, please fckin pass. stop haunting goodmemories by turning them bad.

2011-04-14T20:08:00.015+08:00

hey lovesss,

it has been ages since I last updated, I knw lawl Im sorry. to whtevr's left of my readers, I will try to update as much as I possibly cn. my excuse is tht Ive been rllyrlly busy with lotsve school stuffs. I joined mightyminds btw & managed to emerge as statechamps so nationals is in October. Teacher decided to put me in fr SIR again this yr, I am going to fail I swear cos I cnt spell out loud, Im gonna be making a fool outve myself again jst like I did lastyr. Ive been busy with NIE also, I dntknw if I mentioned it bt my group were national champs & we were actually invited to give a presentation during the launching of Thisyr's MagInc. so yea, been writing like crazy.

Im also involved with debate this yr. nt the school debates bt my first competition is going to be the 9th National HELPuni debate competition so it's pretty nervewrecking, especially since the team which Im going to be up against are superHOTPUNJABI guys; srsly Icjd. There's mre thn a hundred schools taking part so yea, hopes of winning nt tht high bt I must hve a positive mind! Keeeeep moving forward, whee!

Jazz invited me fr a Vasakhi dinner nxt Saturday bt Im nt sure whether I cn make it cos of the debate thingie which will be takingup my whole weekend. with all these competitions, I hvnt found the time to touch my books +Ive been skipping classes almost everyday due to practices &stuff. stressedup, slowlyyy losing it. my birthday's nxt Tuesday so Im pretty excited hehe, looking forward to tht (:

ciao lovess, kthxbai.

2011-01-25T16:07:00.007+08:00

hey lovess,

only about four people know so far that I have formspring so to those of you who have been sending me emails & posting in my cbox, here's the link to my formspring account. ask me anything (:

my formspring !

Ive been okay, not good but not that bad as well. life's just like a straight line right now &there's really nothing much to talk about, really. everyday is school, tuition, homework &the occasional facebook. went to jaspreet's house last friday &it was alright, I had fun catchingup with the gang. I had to wear a scarf on my head to look all decent lawl but it was nice. well, there's nothing else going on, really so this update is prettymuch pointless.

school's been school, shit all the way. I think there's currently a lot of anger within me bt meh, it'll pass. I'll try to update as much a possible bt fr nw, ciao lovesss. kthxbai.

2011-01-16T20:28:00.006+08:00

I cnt remember the last time Ive felt this tired. tired of all the people around me, tired of them asking whether Im okay when they clearly know Im not. tired of trying to hide my obvious sadness by being somebody I dont even know. tired of using smileys when I text or chat; tired of pretendsmiles & fakelaughters. tired of even talking to people, tired of being surrounded by people I used to enjoy being with.

tired of this pain thats inside of me. tired of this physicalpain as well. tired of hving to cry myself to sleep. tired of all this medication which doesnt seem to do me any good. tired of being so dependant, so backboneless.

Im tired of texting guys other than you. them boys they fall like dominoes,yea. tired of entertaining them; tired of my own guilt when I give them false hopes then tear it all down. tired of hurting people around me, tired of being a nuisance. tired of not being able to let go completely yet. I could not even bring myself to delete 20+ textmessages of yours tht Ive saved; I could only delete a quarter of them after hating myself for throwing it all away. tired of wondering whether it's killing you the way it's killing me. tired of thinking about you all the time; tired of missing you.

tired of hating myself for being so pathetic.

tired of being tired.

2011-01-12T12:55:00.000+08:00

hey lovess,

lunch last sunday

sorry for being away for quite some time. I kept telling myself that I would blog atleast once a week but everytime I come online I just cant find the urge to +my tuitions are all in the evening now; nomore during the nighttime so it makes it difficult for me to come online often.

I realised it doesnt really matter nw anyway since my life is so painfully boring. school is shit, the people there are shit basically everything is fecal matter. Ive got nothing to look forward to nw when I wakeup every morning. I dnt really plan on applying myself much this year not only cos I dnt want to extend my time spent with idiots but also because my health is deteriorating. Im not going to mention anymore about my health bt only my closestfriend knws.

Ive nothing really to mention other than my life has been going downhill ever since december last year. I dnt even knw whether all this misfortune is related to it but Im still coping &hoping for this coldspell to pass. wish me luck.

2011-01-02T04:33:00.006+08:00

it happened on the 20th Dec 2010 yet it feels as though it just happened yesterday. I had planned to see you to give you your early christmas card & present so I called you earlier than I did the others. but you didnt want to come so I spent 2hours+ alone waiting.

before I could get home & call you, you brokeup with me through text while I was still with my friends. I was so in shock I couldnt feel anything; I became emotionless. when I went home, I acted like I was alright & I only cried when I was alone. I cant fall asleep & cant even concentrate on something without my mind drifting off to thoughts about us.

&nothing is more terrifying than this feeling. it claws at your stomach, burns your heart, freezes your innards & causes your soul to leak from between your eyelashes. it's tear stained cheeks & turned down lips. goose bumps crawl across your skin, shivers run havoc up & down your spine, you ache from within.

the first few days were terrible, I wondered if you ever felt anything for me. you dumped me through text. yes a fucking text, you couldnt even man up to see me face to face. I should be angry, pissedoff at you but I cant. I just, cant. I just wish that I could turn back time to when we were still together. I still have feelings for you-I want you back.

I tried to think of everything bad that happened between us, clinging on to all your empty promises that are now broken but I realised that I missed those too. I miss your promises because at the time it gave me hope & it made me believe in you. it made me happy.

I dont understand how I can smile all day long but cry myself to sleep at night. how my pictures never change but the person them does. how forever turns into a few short months that I'd do almost anything to get back. how you could let go of something you once said you couldnt live without. how the person who once wanted to spend every second with me, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare.

how people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. how people can erase you from their lives just because it is easier than working things out.

it's been 2weeks now & almost every conversation between us, Ive started. what I want to say to you, I want you to say to me. I still like you, okay. I still like you. after I saw you on newyear's, I lost it. I always thought I could spend christmas & newyear's with you but now it just feels like heldback tears. I still like you but Im going to respect your decision, Im going to let you moveon. cos there's nothing worse in the world than thinking I have a chance with you when I dont.

you just signed out a few minutes ago. we chatted like old times but somehow it felt different; it felt like somethng was missing then I realised, I guess all this while, it was only me holding on to you. you've let go. there's nothing else for me to do now than to wait for the day I stop missing you because frankly, Im exhausted.

that girl who used to be real bubbly & loud. that girl that no one could get enough of cos she moved in her own way-shined with subliminal bliss. & then that one guy came along & she fell hard, real hard. now she's quiet, sarcarstic & rarely gives a fuck. if there's one thing that changed about her, it's probably the look in her eyes:

shattered, broken, destroyed.

2011-01-01T03:38:00.007+08:00

hey lovess,
happy new year!
Ive been keeping myself busy these past few days.

29th Dec

dragged myself outve bed in the morning after 1hour of sleep to go to pd with the family. dressed up, plastered a smile on my face + fake hyperactiveness; wasted hours sitting in the car.

nighttime went for Jane's party. she's my sister's age-senior so I kindve had second thoughts about going until she told me I could bring a friend. jasonbud was supposed to tag along but turned it down cos he had some family dinner in pd. wanted to invite darian instead since I asked him about it earlier but dnt wnt to gt rejected twice so I went by myself. they were all really nice to me so it was quite alright. the party was mostly guys, it was like 20+ guys & 7 girls. mostve the guys gt pissedout drunk so it started to get really funny.

got invited for a sleepovr at jaspreet's place but it was already superlate when I got back from the party so I decided not to go. spent the night feeling completely numb, unable to sleep but finally managed to knockoff at 630am.

30th Dec

got up from groggy sleep to pack for kl. waited a blasted fourhours for my dad to fetch the family so regretted waking up so early + I knw nw why Im a creature of unpunctuality; it runs in the genes. reached sunway at abt 330, checked in & died on the bed for about an hour before forcing myself up to go shopping with mum. went for steamboat where I ate nothing but beef & mushrooms. they served broccoli there omg & prawns & egg. icjd. sleptoff at 3am.

31st Dec

mum got a shock when she wokeup & dad wasnt next to her bt foundout tht he had actually gottenup & went dwn to get us sme breakfast since we all know hotel morning buffets.. arent that nice. ninja pork burger with bacon.. & egg! wthfml, removed egg & devoured. rawr. I forgot to mention that Ive been nomming on sushi though it's only like ebikko & kanimaki; I knw Im so lame. mum finds it ironic I eat prawn eggs but not prawn & my excuse was that I want to kill all prawns before they can grow. there goes my coolness, outve the window.

thought I was stranded at home on new year's eve but shareka picked me up & we went to SUC where we just hung about, no dancing whatsoever & was waiting for umee & jaspreet to come but they were being religious.

1st Jan

called mum thesecond it was 12am then wished everyone I knew. I felt like I was being harrassed mygawd, Ive never been hugged so many times in one night. met darian, met darian's mum, didnt recognise his dad *facepalm. Im such an idiot. teared on the way back home. was online till 4am before mum caught me & sent me to bed. couldnt sleep, texted.

wokeup at 730am to go to kl again for a wedding. headed over to the groom's house first for breakfast + tea pouring ceremony. went to pavillion after that for wedding lunch, was damn early so walkedaround with cousins & mum. lunch was bloody boring, I swear I wanted to kill myself. it was really sweet though when the couple walked in to 1234-plain white t's.

came home, died. wokeup, ate, watched tv & blogging now.

2010-12-28T23:34:00.001+08:00

lawl, we hungout today.

did you ever wonder why Im laughing with them one second; but two seconds later I have a distant look in my eyes; three seconds later I have no track of the conversation; four seconds later I wish I was anywhere but there; five seconds later Im forcing the smile back on my face, pretending I know what's going on when really Im just too caught up with all the thoughts in my broken head.

&I knw you realise Im cold to you, different from what I was before. but Im going to keep it up even if it breaks my heart because it's the only way Im ever going to get over you. Im fragile, shattered, destroyed. Im slightly bruised, battered & although it will heal, there'll always be the scars but I cover them all up with the clothes I wear & the number of teeth I show. hahah, you will never know.

Im going to get over you but I'll never forget you. it's going to be the memories that will kill me but I'll survive, watch & see. I just need time. plenty of time. it's always tough yknw, seeing things change; I wish things could be the way they used to be but theyre not so, Im going to accept that & realize that things will be okay, eventually. Im going to try not to talk about this anymore. thank you, by the way, for everything.

the saddest thing is loving someone who used to love you.

if you look inside a girl's heart, you'll see how much she cries. you'll find secrets. promises & lies. but most you'll see is how hard she tries to stay strong. when nothing is right & everything is wrong.

2010-12-27T03:45:00.001+08:00

I wonder if you think of me like I think of you. I wonder if Im constantly on your mind just like you are on mine. I wonder if you miss chatting with me everysingletime Im online, texting me everyday, talking on the phone for a hours past 3am before going to sleep just like I do. I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you.

I wonder if you still want me back, if you want everything back the way it was. just like I do.

this space that's growing between us. do you know what it feels like ? it feels like held back tears & swallowed words, stinging eyes & burning throats.

everyday I tell myself to let it go, let it go before I screw everything up.

2010-12-26T04:42:00.000+08:00

hey lovess,

merry christmas. hope you guys had a better christmas than I did. brace yourself for post after post of how forlorn I am about my recent breakup. my christmas sucked cos well, yknw. what's worst was that I actually got him a present already plus handmade christmas card. I threw the card away but kept the present.

I went to church on christmas eve after that spent time with some people to forget about everything, all the hurt which I had to battle during my holiday in Thailand even & it's nt even over yet. came home a tad early before 5am & proceeded to sleep in the wee hours of the morning. that took up pretty much half of christmas day.

today, guests arrived in the afternoon then family at night. they were here till about 1/2am, I cnt remember. all I can think of was all the pain Im pushing back.

2010-12-23T02:12:00.000+08:00

I cant seem to figure out why Im still holding on to impossible hopes & dreams. he is never coming back, he has clearly moved on. Im not who I used to be, everything around just seems to a blurred out & my days are a monotonous routine. Im currently going through this phase where everything reminds me of you.

seeing you so happy makes me hate myself even more, how can you move on so quickly, forget about me yet here I am still stuck with trying to get over you; telling myself that I am worth so much more. that's why Im mean to you because a part of me wants you to know that Im not over it. Im not who I used to be, I pretend now & if there is something faker than my smile, it's my laugh. it's hollow, empty. heck, Im such a good actress I bet you never noticed how broken I am inside. how whenever I look at you I hate you so much for leaving me yet I still like you despite.. well, despite everything.

to all of you out there who's annoyed already & keep telling me to move on, well do you wanna know why Im making such a fucking big deal outve this? it's cos when Im in a relationship, I give my all. I surrender everything, I lose my independence & I fight to keep the relationship going. now after all that, I cant help but realise Ive been the only fighting. btw,

because I miss you, a lot.

2010-12-21T04:16:00.010+08:00

I dont know what to think, feel or do anymore. I feel as though everything has just lost it's purpose & meaning. I cant, no I dont want to sleep because that moment before I do, I think of you. knowing that you're not mine anymore just kills me & thats when the tears start flowing. I just want to scream, tell myself everything is going to be alright but I cant. all I can do is cry. Im not lonely but Im alone now & I want to talk to you so bad.

I want you to tell me you were joking & that everything between us is going to be alright, tell me you'd try your best to make everything better; not just let everything go, not just let me go. I want you to fight for me. I want you to tell me that you still like me, that you still want me to be yours. but if I cant have all of that, I just want you.

I am a selfish, possessive & overprotective bitch so you can stop lying to me about how 'awesome' I am because I know why you did what you did, it was my fault. so although you apologise, Im going to put the blame on me.

Im sorry I asked so much of you, for all the times I sulked & you had to put up with all my rantings. Im sorry I clinged on to you, for wanting to talk to you all the time, to know what you did with who where & when. Im sorry when I was jealous, when I didnt trust you, when I doubted you. Im sorry I hurt you, I made you sad. Im sorry you wasted time on me. basically, Im sorry for everything.

during the whole time we were together, I kept wondering how you could fall for me. my insecurities ruined everything. you told me we would last, I thought the same but look where we are now. you are one of the best things that has ever happened to me & I hope you'll remember me. Im sorry.

2010-12-12T01:54:00.012+08:00

do you have any idea of the fear that I go through every single day? the fear of losing you. I almost lost you yesterday. when we fought, it was as if my whole universe was crushing me & my heart was about to explode, I couldnt breathe; all I wanted to do was to hold you close to me & ask you not to leave me. our relationship can't be perfect, dee. it isn't real if there arent any fights.

just know that you are worth every second, every teardrop, everything. Im sorry, but I think Im in love with you.

2010-11-29T00:41:00.000+08:00

hey lovess ,

I knw Ive been gone a long time. it's been almost a month since I last updated. nothing new has been going on with my life & everything is basically playing on to the same monotonous beat. it's the holidays already, so far Ive only gone out about three or four times with the usual crowd. one of my ex primary classmates have been thinking about having a class reunion but I highlydoubt the possibilities of that actually happening, this is me ruthlessly honest. xD

there was an outing on the 11th with thegirlfriends at SUC, we wasted hours there doing the stuffs we do. of boardgames, broken drinking glasses, boytalk & rude waitresses.

jasonbud's bday party at his place on the 18th, I wouldve been completely & utterly lost if it wasnt for Umee there. met a coupleve people, catchedup with joanne (jasonbud's sis), watched Jason calmly unwrapping his surprise bday present which was wrapped in newspaper (this is amazing since jason usually tears the wrapper). of watery warfares, cake facials, cardgames &walking in the rain, myfavourite part.

had another trip to SUC this time minus twogirlfriends, plus a lot of other randompeople. I cant even imagine the fun we have doing absolutely nothing but hanging out, walking round the place repeatedly, basically nothing! no I cant imagine, it's something so good I have to feel it to believe in it. of unexpected people, badass badminton-20 pushups, Ihavenevers, truth or dare & firsthug with the boyf.

upcoming 'jamsession' on the 30th, lastday of this month. November hasnt exactly been kind to me nevertheless, Im definitely going to miss it.
ciao lovess, kthxbai.

2010-11-28T00:46:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JASON

to my gay bestfriend jason smallboy, who've always been there for me. when Ive rambled continuously till late at night whether it was about something important or something completely insignificant, you were there. I dont know how to say it but thanks so much for everything, bud. you the awesome, happy birthday (:

2010-11-27T00:11:00.004+08:00

2mth anni ♥

the feelings come flooding in,
&Im paranoid now.

2010-10-27T15:29:00.001+08:00

1month anni ♥

I wonder if you know,

how you make me feel;

the happiest girl in the world (:

2010-10-19T17:07:00.005+08:00

hey lovess,

back with a little bit of update, not any interesting ones so prepared to waste a few minutes if you do continue reading this. as stated in previous post as well, exam's comingup on the 22nd till the 29th but I'll be continuing on the 1st. it's such a horrid feeling to know that everyone else is having fun enjoying themselves while I sit for bloody science &geography. reason being is StarNiEMagInc2010 contest I participated in. that's right everybody we made it to the finals :D

I will most definitely update on that once we've gone through everthing. amelia &I will be the only two outve the five, speaking &presenting so I should say it's not nerve wrecking at all since Ive got a partner. public speaking is laveee with prepared scripts, I suck at impromptus I admit.

today happens to be the lastday for mrshoo &although I will miss her, I am rejoicing to the fact that Im now free on every tuesday & friday for the rest of the year. Ive been doing my loony/victory dance since 12am today xD ladies &gentlemen I now have to kindly excuse myself since yourstruly has yet to have touched her books. I seldom fall into a frantic state though. this is especially surprising since this is endyear. I think the competition has kept my mind off the examinations. ohwell, ciao lovess. kthxbai.

remind me why I like you so much
that I think about you all the time;
every single day, please do (:

2010-10-06T02:55:00.005+08:00

hey lovess,

yeah it's almost a month again since I updated. I should just start doing this on a monthly basis. thing is, I just cant find the time either that or Ive just got no mood to blog. I think Ive lost my blogging mojo. xD things have been going great. last saturday, I was supposed to attend some cocurricular award ceremony which was being held in school. I won the award for english but I couldnt go to get my cert &stuffs cos I had a dinner to attend to. the dinner was a pretty big thing cos my mum's godmum turned 90(!) on that day. cmon, 90 &she can still walk &her real teeth are still in place. I forfeited my prize btw cos apparently the school bombed thousands on a lame ceremony which sucked &I wasnt 'grateful' enough to attend it.

I wouldnt have attended it even if they begged me. I wanted a representative, scratch that, I fckin had one &yet they wont allow it. whattheheck is their freaaaking big deal ?! I had an awesome time anyway at the dinner. I danced so much that I skipped courses during dinner &I could barely feel my feet from the numbness but it was all so good (: dancing is my new love now. I love how it makes me feel like Im so free &able to do whatever I want without having to care how I look or how bad Im dancing. screw the ceremony, Id forfeit a gajillion awards just to feel this good (:

there's a lot shit I want to ramble about my school here but I wont. I cant possibly muster up enough time &energy to do so. there's just too many stuffs to ramble about. ah yes, just for your info, I didnt get the librarian job cos I called the head librarian a bitch other than not staying back till the specific time. ohwell, I wasnt sad or happy it was sortve emotionless &I was actually kindve surprised I didnt feel affected at all. there was barely a tinge of emotion. I guess it just wasnt meant to be (:

my exams are coming up this friday then it goes on till the next friday. I have got a presentation for a competition on exam tuesday so I guess I can only celebrate nextnext monday. I cant believe it's endyear already &this is the one Im the least prepared in. lest's just hope I dont crash & burn. that'll be all for now , ciao lovesss. kthxbai.

because everything's been going so good.

.. I just wonder if you feel the same; tell me will you ?

2010-10-02T03:37:00.002+08:00

27/9/2010 ♥
of 8'oclock confessions &hopeful decisions.
boy, you're worth it (:

002.

2010-10-02T02:10:00.002+08:00

I am a jumble of passions, misgivings &wants. It
seems I am always in a state of wishing &rarely in a state of contentment.
Maybe I am this way because I sometimes feel as though I am never good
enough.

2010-09-30T15:51:00.007+08:00

hey lovess,

Im back with a coupleve updates. nope, no emo posts already. let's hope it stays that way. so many awesome things have been happening lately but it's so difficult to recall, my memory betrays me.. ARGH -.-

I guess I'll start off with the september holidays. I did nothing but stay home doing whatever it is that I do on regular days as well. these days are when I feel the holidays are just wasted on me &I really ought to get outve the house &socialise more often. on other days, there's the usual outing to the only most 'exciting' place in Seremban &that would be Jusco (ugh!) outings there are usually okay, everytime we (usual gang) goes, we are bound to bump into someone we know. this I solemnly swear xD it actually gives us a purpose, really. once we are bored &sickve wandering about Jusco, we stalk em. in a not really creepy way ofcourse ;) if we dont stalk, we're people watching at mcd's or chitchatting at starbucks. of wannabe's, mcflurry, extralarge popcorns &mug after mug of caramelcreamfrap.

jazz sleptover at shareka's one of the days. I didnt join them cos I dragged my arse off to tuition. isn't that nice? I told my mum, ofcourse I would very much rather sit in tuition for two hours wondering what it would be like &how much more of a fun time I would have been having if I actually went for the sleepover. after that, she wouldnt even let the thought of letting me go after tui cross her mind xD

rambleramble. Im not bothered to carry a camera around taking pictures cos then my friends would be relying on me to upload them on FB which I dislike doing cos my uploader seems to lag more than others. they can upload 200pictures &I wld still be stuck on the fifth. anyway, here's one (:

oh this was a rather eventful day. we met up at theclub (SUC) to welcome Umee home. shes been around Europe &spent mostve her time in UK visitting her sister for almost a month. this outing was on the Wednesday before school reopens. we met 'coincidentally' it was my school's prefect dinner! lawl, this is a rather touchy issue. anyone whos in my school will know my hugeass problem Ive got with the entire prefectorial board in my school. ahem, anywayyy.

my school prefects seemed shocked/surprised/stunned(?) when they saw two ex trainees &ex to-be prefects there. yknw what, Im getting angry just typing about them. let's not &pretend I did, shall we? halfway through, jasonbud came along after three &a half phone calls. said he was going to stay only for an hour but ended up staying longer. it was a really fun day, am not too sure if jasonbud felt the same though xD of crazy swings, bhangra dancing in the rain, dirty looks, party tables &deepdark secrets.

that'll be all for now. ciao, lovess ;D

2010-09-24T18:08:00.000+08:00

hey lovess ,

HAHA , it's been about a month since the last post &I think I ought to stop promising to update cos I reeeaaally can't muster up enough effort to do so, theres just been so many distractions! since the last post, Ive had school oneweek+ holiday &school. I guess I dont blog much cos my life isnt that exciting so there's nothing much for me to blog about. lawl, my apologies.

ohyeaaaa, Im done with term examinations &now it's endyear coming soon. like veryveryVERY soon. well, not as soon as you'd expect but it's pretty soon. despite all complications with parents about lack of studying, I managed to pass. oh not pass but excel! the results were wayyy better than my midyear when I studied for twoweeks. great, now Im starting to think this is just plain dumbluck xD

now the holidays, haha. pictures coming up on next post. outings were pretty much with the usual gang &we didnt take many photographs. lawl, too busy catching up with each other. this is the part where I would usually say expect updates! but really, dont hold your breath ;)

ciao lovesss, kthxbai.

2010-08-23T16:41:00.003+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DARIAN !

here's to DarianYeoh, the americanbornchinese living in Malaysia(?) xD will always remember you as deedeeboy & vegedarian (lookout for more nicknames I'll come up for ya hehe), the guy who has no problem smiling when there's no camera around. you are just so fun to hang round with &an awesome human being. whatever &regardless of whichever relationship that we have now, I hope it lasts (:

mookie :D

2010-08-22T05:54:00.002+08:00

hey lovess ,

it's 5am-ish &all the emotional shit is creeping back to me. Im just holding on to myself now trying to control myself &not fall back into a state of depression. Im just so afraid. I got hurt again recently &it was a sharp painful slap in the face to hear what he said to me. he gave me false hope &just tore it all down as if it had never happened. it's unbearable.

i try to sleep but my head wont let me, it keeps reeling me back in constantly reminding &nagging me about all the problems Im trying to push behind. I dont want to care about anything or anyone else anymore cos now I just want to care for myself.

they say if we love, we are loved. Ive tried to love everyone I come across, all I get in return is a heart full of spite &hatred. if there's hope in the world, I wont believe it. I cant, unless I go through it myself. I cant take this ups &downs but I knw I have to. it's all part of the struggle. Im gonna be strong &hold my head up high. I just cant help but to wonder when will all of this fuckedup shit end.

2010-08-17T04:17:00.003+08:00

letters to my sister
letter #8

dear geraldine,

now that youve left, I envy you even more. I just want to get outve this hellhole but now I guess I have to settle with screaming my lungs out. things here have been tough, you dont know half of what Ive gone through being at home &just this once, Im not going to tell you. I dont want to remember because it will just hurt me even more. now that things are patching up &these wounds are healing well, it's best not to pick at them so they wont leave a scar.

I just want to say Im really sorry if Ive been cold or mean to you. Im just afraid, Im scared. Im alone &Ive got nobody with me. even when I go to sleep I fear, thats why I always tell you to switch off the lights. the first week when you were gone, I slept with the lights on every night &even risked being scolded by mummy. Ive got so many things I want to tell you but I cant find the right words. I just want to be strong but even as Im typing this, Im crying.

I dont know but I feel as though I cant talk to you anymore. Im sorry, I think it's me but you never seem to listen. Are you different or have I changed ? I hope, I know things are going to return to normal.

thankyou , che. for making every weekend better. (':

2010-08-15T03:17:00.006+08:00

hey lovess ,

sorry for all the moody-sad-iwanttokillmyself-fuckemo blogposts. I did give out a fair warning. I feel as though I have finally found a purpose for having this blog &that is to type out my thoughts which I have absolutely no one to tell to. I dont really care if there's anyone whos reading this but if there is, I love you guys.

it aint all that bad , I am just obviously going through a very difficult stage in life &Im veryvery down this period of time. it didnt last for a long time, there's just these unexpected moodswings. somehow, I only feel like blogging when Im going through tough times &not when Im happy. exams are comingup &I havent been studying (great.) so I think Im going to screw this up. hah! that was me being a pessimist.

optimistic steph:

I think I can do pretty well , even if I do badly, I can always learn from my mistakes! oh, not going out with friends isnt exactly a problem since I can stay home all day &go online. if I cant use the computer then Ill go watch tv. if there's nothing fun on the tube, Ill just sort out my thoughts. heck, it cant be anymore messed up than it was, can it ?

that was so lame, I know. chockful of sarcasm, darn Im so fuckin pleased with meself. *GUFFAWS.

anyhoo, ciao lovess. lets hope the next post will be cheery &happy &filled with glee, kthxbai.

2010-08-07T02:50:00.000+08:00

the beach, where I had the most wonderful time with you.

it's been almost a year now &Ive healed almost completely. Ive managed to shut you out completely but it wasnt easy. I guess you left a prettybig impression on me because Im not usually so very vulnerable that you of all people managed to reel me in. now memories of you dont hurt me but there always will be the tinge of sadness whenever I think about it. I miss knowing everything about you first. when I hear about you, I cant help but to feel sad that I do not know who you are now. I guess we're just strangers in different worlds now. maybe it isnt so bad, perhaps it's better even.

thanks for everything, goodbye.

2010-08-06T02:37:00.002+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY UMEERA !

Cake feeding session ;)

you, UmeeraKaur probably the funnest friend ever :D thanks for all the happy times we shared acting stupid in public places &didnt give a shit about what other people were thinking. dancing in malls, laughing till our tummies hurt &I fall down to the ground scraping my knee &I can still laugh! (our jokes werent even perverse! xD) we dont see each other often so I miss you ): I miss sleepovers at your place with the talliJUSS messing up yr room with icecold water &talcumpowder. Ohgawd, just thankyouu for everything , love.

p/s: hope you liked the surprise party (x

2010-07-30T23:32:00.000+08:00

something like this.

I can slowly feel myself crumbling on the inside. I dont even know how to start explaining how I feel on the inside. part of me just died &it was as if my soul has left me. I feel like something everyone is tired of, useless &thrown away. my times are spent wallowing in self pity, being alone &doubting my friends. this is the part where I say I feel so alone &have nobody to turn to. without any reason, tears stream down my face &I feel tired. yeah , tired.

tired of all the bullshit around me. tired of being a good, unappreciated friend whos always been there listening to their fucking petty problems over &over again. when Ive helped them through, I dont get a word of thanks. no one even gives a shit whether Im okay or not. I ought to start being selfcentred myself if all I ever get in return is betrayal. I ought to start caring about how I feel &less about what other people feel. the thing is, I cant. Im a mere victim of habit.

it's one of days again when I feel sorry for myself. in school, I have to put up this stupid masquerading facade just to have a friend by my side. even then, Im the one who has to follow. it's not difficult faking to be myself, I am me only different at the time. it's ironic how whenever I have one of my breakdowns is when people come &talk to me most about their problems without even asking how Im doing. usually, I would want to be left alone, solitary.

I think it's true. caring about other people's happiness, I'll never be truly happy myself. Im too busy for their joy, I put all of mine behind.

2010-07-29T23:19:00.002+08:00

hey lovess (or whats left of you sexy people out there),

sorry for the delay. it's been such a long time that Ive left &I dont really know where to start. during that period of time , Ive been really busy with school (or rather shrivelling up with my thoughts). yes, life's been pretty rough on me all the while I was gone. perhaps a few sunnyskies here &there but otherwise, I was sullen, sick, depressed, overall feeling sorry for myself - blame on low self esteem. dashdotdash. I think I was inflicted with the term most people use called 'emo'. so yah, Ive been 'emo-ing' &therefore was far from blogging mood.

the next few posts will be pretty dreadful ones. so unless you enjoy dark moody i-hate-my-life kind of posts this is a mild warning/suggstion that you come back to visit in two weeks. I hope that's enough of time to get me to blog about the ohsosad posts. otherwise, get a tissue or handkerchief at hand though it's not particularly necessary. Im just saying because typing out those posts is usually very difficult on me esecially the part where I have to recall all the painful thoughts. I always &I mean ALWAYS end up tearing.

let's just pray my mood lightens up a bit. I wish I had somebody to talk to. but I guess writing it down helps a bit. just for the record, no. Im not ashamed of typing out every single bit of my life in detail even the most shameful ones. it's because when I have nobody to talk to, I still have to let my emotions out or consider being diagnosed with mental disorder. I know. this post sounds depressed enough. anyhoo, stay tuned for updates. ciao, lovess. (;

2010-07-03T00:08:00.002+08:00

I'm sorry but,

I promise.

Be right back , lovess.

2010-06-25T01:04:00.002+08:00

hey lovess,

I have a million &one things to rant about so get ready for a post tomorrow on everything I HATE. the people hate edition. I dont really judge myself as a hateful person but there are just some people who get on my nerves. gah ! I cant even bring myself to blog about it today for I am fuming ! today's forecast, thunderstorms up ahead. be prepared for a warm &heavy shower. tomorrow's predictable forecast, storm clears but it's still a grey,cloudy day. behold, the weatherman. the only person who earns bigfat checks by guessing. sigh, byelovess. BAI.

001.

2010-06-25T00:41:00.011+08:00

all i know is that im a strong girl who always keeps her stuff in line;
even when i have tears rolling down my face, i always manage to say those two words- im fine.

2010-06-23T22:16:00.006+08:00

hey lovess ,

ignore sweaty wannabe brucelee us.

good news, Ive survived school. it's been raining, meaning there's good weather. oh dont get me wrong I love the sun but there's a saying which goes,

Those who say they love the Sun,
Has never danced in the rain yet.

lawl , I love the sun but I love the rain as well because that means no assembly which also means I dont have to go for my ridiculous prefect duties &it also means that I wont sweat like a sinner in church cos it's cooling. so tuesday &today were good. very good.

let's just hope that it stays that way, shall we ? (: Ive been sleeping early since monday when I snoozed off at about 8. a wee bit too early so on tuesday I slept right after an episode of DesperateHousewives which ends at 1130pm. so yah, healthy lifestyle FTW. :D now if I can just convince mum to get me a treadmill..

lawl, byelovess. BAI.

2010-06-21T16:15:00.009+08:00

hey lovess,

it seems just like yesterday (it was five days before btw) I didnt sleep the whole night cos I stayed up watching WorldCup &staying online, surfing YouTube for my daily dose of Charlie. he is insanely addictive , i swear. I jumped into bed bt couldnt sleep so when I heard my parents wake up I went downstairs to join them for breakfast which isnt a usual thing. they were actually surprised &very very suspicious. XD of short conversations, misty eyes &hot cuppas.

it seems just like yesterday (four days before, this is sortve like a rewind) I did not sleep, yet again. I started to think I had a mild case of imsomnia. I slept a mere two hours before dragging myself up cos me &the girlfriends were gonna meet up at the club for an apparent 'workout' session. we ended up pigging out ordering lots &lostve food. of girly gossips, foreign foods, hot guys, creepy waiters &retro shades.

it seems just like yesterday (three days ago) I fell asleep at 8am &woke up at 3pm, dragged myself to Jusco &still managed to have a ball despite having bad skin, panda eyes &being unbelievably worn out. very unflattering, I assure you. not a very pretty sight. (: I saw a lot of people on that day. one includes JasonBud who was there with his mom, sheer soincidence I tell you. we were in the same theatre &all. of akward bump-intos, stuffed tummies &bitch histories.

it seems just like yesterday (yes, two days ago. that's a lotve yesterdays so far) I was out in town. went to the market for a breakfast of toast bread, notverynice wanton noodles, very nice dumplings (amazing, I know. the noodles sucked but these were good) &two cups of coffee. &it's not dilute or anything.Im talking about thick, very thick, coffee. just how I like em. not as much as tea though. wow, &I complain I cant sleep.

this deserves more paragraphs (not that the others did not Im just in the mood to blog about this particular day) after breakfast, we went to this 100yen shop thingie. well, not really but we (meaning sister, mom &gramma) had to go to this chinese medicine shop next door but after that, we went to the 100yen shop thingie. it was really adorable, really. the stuff they sold were all so cute &dainty. I suddenly felt bigger than I already am. O.O bigger size-wise. ive actually been there before but I went to the KL branch near Sunway.

I really like my town, I went to another chinese herbal medicine store which is wayyyy more traditional than the one before. cos gramma couldnt fnd the herbs she wanted. this time, only me &the sister got down cos mom couldnt find a parking space. went down, started blubbering in chinese.

mechinesemedicinedood

hi, uhm. (says something in chinese)

*nods (says something in chinese)

uh, huh ? (explains I cant understand chinese in chinese @@)

*nods (says the same thing he said before in chinese)

(explains again)

*nods (says the same thing AGAIN goddamnit)

(explains yet again)

uhuh, okay. so thats all ?

YES. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

gawd, I felt like such a fool. but the shop was awesome I tell ya. really old &ancient. exactly like the ones you see in old chinese films. epic. in the night, went for teen's night at the club. insanely boring cos the dj dint come &there were only suckish amateur karaoke bands performing. really tragic cos NONE of the leads of ALL three bands could sing to save their lives. after that was alright. sat on swings, saw a coupleve friends. of vintage cupboards, passing cars, strawberry ice &shortsweet conversations in the dark.

it seems just like yesterday (the real yesterday) I was. darn, I forgot what I did. oh it was horrid. Im not even going to post it here cos Im too ashamed of what Id done. sigh..

today, it's the bloody first day of school, lovess. I mean, unlike everyone else, I did not miss a single bit of school. people ask why &tell me that they also dont miss the studies but they miss friends blablabla. they expected me to agree this time but I was like , we get to see friends more during the holidays. isnt that fun-er? gah , nevermind. just wish me luck. the weeks going to long and basically just horrible. sorry for being pessimistic but school is well...school. BAI. ♥

2010-06-17T04:45:00.004+08:00

many times Ive fallen but have managed to pick myself off the ground. Ive managed to move on without batting an eyelash or heaving sigh as I unknowingly break the hearts of my friends or family. that is just because I was unaware of my love for them.

but this feeling I have for you , I know. I constantly convince myself that I have given up on you. my head congratulates me for being able to forget you &whatever feelings I had for you. my heart tells me otherwise. it tells me that Im a stupid , reckless girl who fell in love with someone that probably never will with me. I know my heart is right because everytime I see your face , Im dragged back to the staring point &all memories of you flood right back.

why you have this spell over me , I dont know. maybe it's because Ive never met anyone like you. you're innocent, gentle, polite, humble &you respect. that time you tried to play me a song on your guitar but failed, you laughed because you were embarassed. I laughed because Im so happy that you even tried for me , little did you know I was dying bit by bit inside for I fear that that would be the last time I'll ever hear you play for me. when you smile at me, my world's a little brighter. when you laugh at the silly things I said, my confidence's a little higher.

yet, you are so blur to the drastic changes you made in my life. I write about you &my feelings for you despite knowing that you will never ever read this. secretly, I hope you will stumble upon this one day &realise how much you mean to me. sadly, I dont think you ever will.

2010-06-07T15:46:00.004+08:00

the holidays are here &Im really sorry for the loooong delay. -.-

I just feel like blogging is such a chore nowadays &I feel a bit guilty when I think it's so bothersome. *shudder

I think I lost my blogging mojo. O.O

this holidays mustve been one of the most painfully boring ones Ive had in a long run. no outings whatsoever, even if there were they would either be incredibly boring then Ill feel discouraged to go so I make up some pathetic excuse just to say home &cultivate my fats. not to mention my grandaunt is home &weve been eating out for the last whole month &trust me she is a veryveryvery generous person.

she bought me this humongous bar of Toblerone which I took a picture of but am too lazy to upload. Haha.

FIFA WORLD CUP ! now you know why Ive been missing in action. (:

okay, Im bore-ing you. bai. bai. BAI.

2010-05-19T17:33:00.011+08:00

hey lovess ,

today was a stuidstupid day. I had actually threwup in school on monday &skipped school on tuesday. went back to school on weds &got attacked by this teribble cibai stomachache before 10am. dad picked me up &we went to the hosp on to wait for another half hour. imagine , me clutching my tummy, pulling on my shirt , crying my eyeballs out. pretty horrid sight. skipped school fer the rest of the week , btw. (:

then, wonders will never cease. I had to go for a bloodtest, urinetest &some ultrasound scan or smething like that. this was actually a prettygood experience. the bloodtest left a mark on my hand for about a week. oh &the urinetest was effembarassing. -.- firstofall, I didnt even friggin know how to do it. like how in the world do you piss in a smallplastic cup. I cringed at the thought of doing it &cos I was tresnervous, I couldnt even bring myself to pee. gah, I dont wnt to continue. let's just say I had to go for two rounds.

the results came out &they couldnt decide whether I had foodpoisoning or gastritis. so they gave me medication for both. both? like wth.

the only goodthing which happened that day was lunch &a pal from school who came to visit me. he walked alltheway from school. so Im veryvery grateful. (':

the other goodthing

thanks everyone who cared, held my hand &putup with all my swearings when I had tummyache. thanks again to my deskmate, stephany who dint even feel disgusted when I threwup. she followed me into the stinkytoilet &while I was puking she went in &patted my back. I was like ohmuhgawd, steph, thankyou. really effing touched by everyone who was so concerned. (;

*to a certain somebody, I thought you were my closestfriend until you didnt even come to ask me whats wrong when you saw me crying. you even had the nerve to tell me you didnt see me when you were sitting one table away &stared. you told everyone else you called me countless opf times when you only called once. Im really disappointed &never thought you could be so shallow. thanks a lot , 'bestfriend'.

2010-05-14T01:15:00.009+08:00

okay, Im just terribly bored &thought before doing this but yknow, since eatyourt did it &a few others I thought I might as well do it too since I have no idea what to blog about thanks to my ohsobawring life. school isnt as fun as you think it is. XD oh &Im not usually one who is really bothered to fill out these things so Imma try me verybest. (:

I like wasting time.
I like hydrogen oxide. :P despite being the element of fire.
I like colours.
I like doughnuts.

I like wallowing under the warmth of the sun.

I like badboys , though Id rather be with theothertype.
I like to daydream all day.
I like the smell of chocolate.
I like walking in the park after a heavyrain.

I like having deepconversations with people I love.
I like the beach.
I like being happy &hope that I could laugh allmylife.

so what do you like? (: ♥

2010-05-11T17:32:00.011+08:00

falling in love may be the best thing that has ever happened to you but it could also be the worst. it's a bit like swimming, really. I don't know how to swim but this is something I can explain. when you fall headoverheels in love, you have just dived into the water. you feel its warm embrace all around you &youre enveloped in it. you feel light &free without a care for the world. the warm water comforts you &it's always the perfect day for a swim.

but when you run outve love, it's like running out of breath. the water turns cold &you feel your lungs about to explode. you cry &struggle but you remain underwater because youre still in love &are willing to wait. your limbs go dead &you just freeze. too much in greif to accept it. time runs out so you take a deep breath. youre still under &the water rushes into your nose, fills your lungs. you cry out in agony but the warmth isnt there anymore. all there is, is nothing but the hurt. your only comfort-the warm tears you feel running down your cheeks in contrast to the freezingcold water.

eventually, you pull yourslef outve the water. but there you'll stay frozen. maybe forever.

I dare not take the risk but you just make it so effing difficult for me. waiting for you is like longing for something impossible. Ive never said that to myself but when it comes to matters of the heart, I shouldnt hope. You &me together ? I doubt. thats because im unlike any of the girls that you take interest in. they &me ? a world of a difference. ive given up on you. ~~&this time I mean it.~~

2010-05-10T17:27:00.006+08:00

mumme

Im gonna run away from home one day; without you knowing.

why?

because eventually i will have to leave anyway.

why as in, why dont you want me to know?

because i dont want you to stop me.

will you come visit me then?

maybe.

why maybe?

I dunno, just maybe. depends.

I never found out how much it mustve pained you to listen to all those things I said. everyword may be like a blade stabbing through your heart; &everytime I say the things you dont wish to hear, I hit you right in the bullseye. your wound which might never heal. im veryvery sorry.

I wont write here in this post about how beautiful or what a great mother you are because youve heard that a million times despite me saying mean things to you. because you are the best mother I could ever askfor, I expect nothing more from you. i just ask you to continue loving me like youve always had. thank you, iloveyou.

happy mother's day. (:

2010-05-08T18:42:00.007+08:00

it's times like this when the clouds roll in, when the sky is grey. when the birds dont sing, when the flowers never bloom. another day, another dismay. another life lost. another death.

when you die, how will you know that you have?

there was a man I recognised although I never knew his name. he was 58, indian. we'll call this man, M. somewhere near where he lives, a car broke down &the driver called his friends for help. his friends arrived with a lorry. M was walking, the dear old man &he stopped when he say someone in need. he offered to help like he usually does unaware of whatever that was coming. he stooped down low to tie the string which attached the car to the lorry.

in less than a second, a speeding car driven by recklessness crashed into the lorry. the lorry started rolling &stopped when it hit something soft. in that second, M no longer lived to see the light of day.

when you think that life's no good, when everything crumbles down. never wait because life doesnt, why should you? live everyday like there's no tomorrow. hope &love. because you never knw on a particular day, you'll never have the chance to tell somebody that you love, to hug your mother, to tell your dad he's the best in the world, to show your friends how much they mean to you. you may have all of them tight in your grasp but in a second, they can all disappear.

*to M, rest in peace, godbless.

2010-05-05T15:04:00.005+08:00

hey lovess,

I just checked up on my blog &I realised that lately, Ive been updating on a monthlybasis. which is not good. so Im superduper sawry. :S

Ive been very busy with extrakk activities which means Ive been stayingback in school a lot &not getting enoughve sleep which results to me always in a shitsy mood. myfckstupid teacher has something against me like telling me to keepquiet altho i shutup for like her whole class, in short shes a freaking psychopath! *hyperventilates

sometimes, it does hurt &that time when she embarassed me in frontve my whole class I almost cried bt I swore that if I ever shed a tear for that bitchhh, i wld kill myself.

I'll be back in my old self within no time. just watch me. (:

2010-04-26T22:45:00.004+08:00

hey lovess,

sorry for the posts i promised but nevercame. I can explain &the reason being would be Ive been spending too much of time staring out my window daydreaming! (: I mean, look at the view outside, what's there not to gaze at?

recntly, the weather has been nuts cos of some thingie going on somewhere over there (Iceland, I think). anyway, it's driving me crazy &trust me Ive very very violent moodswings. :D

okay,I'll admit that Im kindve dumb, I feel so stupid now cos I went &deleted twomonths worth of blog posts which I have already done but not actually got to posting it on my blog yet. -.- so yah, Im in a pretty shitsy mood. there's something terribly wrong with my GoogleChrome. uploading pics are no prob but arranging them properly and neatly is like this humongous, gigantic , bloodyirritating problem. boy, am I mad.

Ive been really busy with staybacks in school recently, &one of my bitchteachers is making me hate her even more (I admit Ive wished for her death for more than a million times). I mean seriously, how bias can you get? yah, lovess, Im aware I dont sound my happy cheery &gila self but Im just human and yes, you can choose to waste your time continue reading or skip to the next post, maybe. (:

tomorrow will be my verylast stayback, until may that is. (x so, let's hop for more updates, shall we? &pray something interesting actually happens to me, otherwise, you guys will be reading the sameoldthing. (: REMEMBER,

ciaooo, lovess. (:

2010-03-31T16:28:00.010+08:00

letters to my sister

letter #7

dear geraldine,

I know it's difficult having a sister. there's always this sibling rivalry and of course, jealousy. everyone thinks we either get along so well or hate each other so much, we would rather not be sisters altogether. despite all of that, I can never wish for a better sister than you. I don't think I will ever find a better sister or as good as because Ive the best. I have you. it hurts when I think of all the things in which you are far better in than I am; I do feel that pang of jealousy. and because I feel guilty for doing so, I want to express my jealousy in ways that I think that you are awesome, wonderful and positive adjectives that ever existed.

Im jealous of;

you being pretty. I wish you could see that instead of constantly complaining about how you look. know that you're freckles are different and your cheekbones are brilliantly sculptured.
you being smart. smarter than me at least.
you having actual friends. unlike mine who just want me around for fun. you have great friends who stick around allthetime. sometimes, I feel you are the only real friend Ive ever had &Im thankful I do.
you being popular. everyone likes you &even if there is the occasional bitch, that seldom happens.
you being older. you may have responsibilities but mummy always lets you get away with it. ;P

Im very unsure of myself but Im sure that you are just totally awesome &I dont want you to go away that soon. :(

I'll miss you, GedBear. if God would grant me one wish, I wish that we'll stay this age. forever &ever.

p/s: know that.

2010-03-19T02:25:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHAREKA !

my beloved SharekaVithias whos been there for me. weve fought, bickered &argued countless of times. hated each other, bitched about each other but we end up laughing about it in the end. Im sorry for all the stupid things Ive dragged you into (; no, really. we may be in diff schools now but that didnt stop us from sharing hugeass secrets. I love you, happy birthday.

2010-02-23T17:07:00.004+08:00

patience is key to greatness, lovess. (:

Just give me a few days, and I'll update mile long posts! (:

unless I run outve ideas, ofcourse.

2010-02-12T16:35:00.012+08:00

spring cleaning has bgeun. me and daddy worked outside while mum did inside. selfish ged went out with her friend while we were cleaning. (:

Meet dad. (:

we werent really bothered to use different cleaners for different stuffs so we used a multipurpose one. (:

was cleaning out the shoe cupboard. here are some of my shoes and one of my favourites after my darling converse-s. :D

had new bedspreads from ikea. (:

hope you guys'll have a great time! Happy Chinese New Year! (:

14.2.10

haha, i guess i sortve got too caught up with the cny holidays that i havent found the time to blog. but anyhoo, i'll let the pctures do the talking for now. (: i had lots of food for chinese new year i think i put on a ton of weight. x)

went house visiting and had lads of fun. (: you'd be surprised at the number of gorgeous things you find everywhere you go. beautiful beautiful antiques. priceless.

I had fun. (: That will be all for now, lovess. Ciaozers. (:

2010-01-24T09:33:00.003+08:00

recently, there's been lots of controversy going on in my scool about students bitching about teachers (what's there NOT to bitch) on Facebook and on blogs. I personally dont think it's fair for the school to take action on the students. What we do isnt their business and therefore, we have the rights; the freedom of speech to say whatever we want to say without having to fear about the school butting in.

seriously, fuck the school. they dont have the rights to delete our blog. it's not fair and seriously, they should just mind their own fcking business. it makes me so angry that they have to scour and look out for any teacher hate clubs. wake up, losers. there wouldnt be a hate club if the teacher wasnt such a bitch. i think mine's like a psycho. it's not my fault i'm such an excellent student till she had to have a go at me. i got into deep shit cos of her. screw that ****

i'll fight for my rights. until they lose and until i win and finally prove them wrong. if they dare mess with me, well, they messed with the wrong bitch. (:

2010-01-18T20:58:00.005+08:00

i looked up to you, my hero and all you did was disappoint. tore my already battered heart to pieces. there's nothing left to say for every word now hurts. your screams still echo; somehow, i dont feel safe any longer. my spirits no longer soar.

i hate that i believed, that i turned to you. to have you on my side. but now you've done it, you've finally blown it. your temperament; uncontrollable. do you think im still a child? i yearn for freedom, i dont deny. but no word of freedom was said. im not blaming me this time. it's you. it's your fault. i have feelings and they were hurt.

i never winced when you discriminated. your teases may have stung but i let them all pass. it's too much; much too much. my bucket of ~~water~~ tears are flooding over; im drowning in my own sorrows.

just dont speak, i want to hear no more. to take this hurt away from this tainted heart. leave, i beg. let me be solitary. when youre a teenager, the world never understands. im counting, 4years. Four verylong years.

i dont want to elaborate.

forget you, pa. forget you, mmy.

2010-01-15T16:01:00.004+08:00

hey lovess,

i went for crosscountry today. im actually somebody who thinks sports is a form of torture and physical education is to force unwilling students to run laps until they actually pass out and die. therefore, the number of students will decrease and so the adult population can rejoice. okay, the heat has gone to my head actually. it's been so friggin hot lately i fell sick. missed school twice and it's only the first month. god bless me.

this was a charity run so i dint mind soaking in the morning sun. okay, it was darn embarassing actually. my ohsosmart friend wanted to be the first to start so she dragged me to the front. in less than 5 seconds, we were wayyyy back. after crosscountry, we went to eat some really good lunch so i will elaborate on lunch in the food escapades tag. this will be all for now. seeya, lovess. hope your week was better than mine was. (:

2010-01-09T14:34:00.005+08:00

it's been long. too long. and every single time i look into the past all i see that all that i was living for was just to have a glimpse of you and to be strive for a chance to be close to you. why is it that i cant seem to let go? i keep saying i can but whenever i remind myself not to think about you, i end up doing what i did not mean to. this like/love thing is like cancer of the throat. it goes all dry and no matter how many times i try to swallow the bitterness away, it stays there. like a scar of a wound that is only partially healed.

there are times when i hate myself for not telling you. i feel so ashamed for being embarassed. to me, it's like the end of the world. but your life goes on all the same and it hurts when i see that. im selfish; no doubt.

there's this hurt in my chest where my heart is supposed to be. sometimes it hurts so much i feel like ripping my heart out but is too afraid of what lies beneath. maybe, nothing. my breath is short and it's difficult to breathe. every single time i try, i gasp for air. i try to run, yet i trip and i fall, i try to speak but i choke. I try to hide it but it's clear.

i give up, i give up. just take what you want and leave the remains. leave them while i stay here longing for your embrace.

2010-01-04T20:27:00.012+08:00

Another year has come and passed. Please break this fixation. You have absolute control over me. I'm still young, I still play. Matters of the heart, has lead me astray. These few words I have said; I shall say them again. Over and over again;

p/s: chill, this was never built to last.

2010-01-04T20:27:00.011+08:00

yay! hey, lovess.

I didnt have the time to list down my resolutions and yadayadayada. was busy. (: this will be just a very very short post. come to thinkve it, im actually pretty lazy to blog nowadays since there's school. and all that. oh yah, it's the first day of school. pfffft. explainations in another post. buttttt, dont give up on me yet. lately, ive been saving posts then publishing them last minute so be sure to check in for posts coming up now and then. the key is to scroll down. (:

2010-01-04T20:27:00.010+08:00

Hey lovess,

First day of school after a holiday no matter how long always spells: D-R-E-A-D. And if you actually try removing the 'r' from dread, it spells dead. Gah, that was exactly how I felt on the first day of school. There's this nervous feeling and whenever I'm nervous I have this weird intervals of hyperactivity to someone who can pass of as a dead person.

Mehn, I met a coupleve buds and my Form1 English teacher who is an absolute deah. (: Oh yea, I started my prefect duties. I think theyre dead bawring but I guess I would just have to cope with it. Woh-ay-oh, it's times like this when I feel like curling up into a ball and just let time run. Do absolutely nothing . If it's a way to feel free.

Nyehh, Ive been laying off the school homework doing them only at the last secondve the beginning of school. It's not that easy now. I lack practice. Gah, better do 'em now then. Seeya, lovess.

2010-01-01T01:12:00.002+08:00

Hey lovess,

Happy New Year!

credits: justinongkywen

it's a new year so that means that it's time to gear up and get ready to face a new world. 2010 just sounds so, so. I dunno. Like wow, I have never thought about it but when you see it in numerals or say it aloud its like 2010/ twenty ten. both are tens! OMG. Hahah, I should probably not stall. But okay, have an awesome new year's, lovesss. (:

2009-12-29T12:04:00.002+08:00

Hey lovess,

Im headed to PD today with the talli JUSS gang. Imma head to the club first to hang with some pals like Karlson, his cousin (who he told me he would intorduce so let's all pray I dont make a fool outve myself like I usually do) and Jazz! Jazz my darling girlfriend. (:

I dont usually upload pictures as you can see. But I will provide a link if there are uploaded photos which is udually on Facebook. I'm really happy to say that some of my readers have found my FB profile through my old blog and have added me. That means, full access to my pics and whatsoever. So to readers who do want to see my pics or stalk me. Hahah. You can click,

here.

Yea, that stupid ugly blue thing which wont change it's colour no matter how hard I try to. So yea. M'kay, that's all for now. Expect an update on this trip ! Ciao, lovess.

2009-12-27T05:19:00.002+08:00

I know it's kindve late but,

Merry Christmas!

you guys have given me are better than Christmas presents plus, they last throughout the whole year! Keep spreading the love and joy! (:

2009-12-27T04:27:00.004+08:00

hey lovess,

just a short update on what's actually going on. (:

Well, Christmas was phenomenal although not as memorable as lats year's. This year was pretty dull, not the explosice kindve bangboom I looked forward to. Yet, I still treasure this Christmas like any other Christmas. It's to celbrate the birth of Jesus, for Christ's sake.

During midnight mass on Christmas eve, Father Michael really took everyone's breath away and made us realise that Christmas was an expensive and tiring occasion and I totally agree! We get so caught up in the preparation then we get all stressed up which leads us to throwing tantrums and therefore, we fail to enjoy this celebration. We forget the real meaning of christmas which is family. Conclusion: next time, let's all help one another so the job lightens. After all, giving feels much more better than receiving. (:

School's drawing near, gawd it sucks. I'm wishing to take back all the times during the holiday when I said I miss my friends and school. Gah, ohmuhgawd, take it all back.

2009-12-19T23:02:00.002+08:00

Christmas is drawing near and yea, life sucks currently. If only I could rewind then replay the whole thing. My emotions have been dangerously unstable. I cry a lot then laugh about it I'm afraid I'm turning psycho. 0.0 I dunno if I'm being emo. It doesnt feel like emo. Emo people dont laugh like a maniac after 3 consecutive hourse of feeling sorry for themselves. I find my feelings easily hurt and just the slightest of hurt makes me turn my back against the world.

I find myself constantly apologizing to myself and to other people. I think I'm retarded. Nevermind, no one's here to listen anyway.

2009-12-19T04:39:00.005+08:00

Hey lovess,

Before I say anything else, I want to say a big THANK YOUUUUUUU! to SandraC. She made me feel tons better (refer to comment in CBox). We need more people like her in the world. People who cares about others and makes them feel better. Help out with troubles. Overall, awesome people. Hahah, check out her blog which is filled with her hilarious escapades. Thanks, once again. (:

Btw, I was thinking about becoming an environmentalist. Which is pretty cool if I should say. I mean, what better than fighting for the rights of Mother Nature. Pretty interesting, huh? Whatever that is God given to us, we must protect, right right? Can I get an amen? Guess not. ;D

I will be onto something new soon, guys. Promise. But yea, if you know me well, you'll know that my mind is a clutter. People wouldn't be able to survive inside my mind for a split second. There's just loadss of stuffs whizzing about, banging other stuffs. I am an observer at heart and I've been told that I am. I don't mean corny Facebook quizzes but I mean real life people. So yea, I can't concentrate if you know what I mean. I observe, find something new, observe smething new then go back to what I was observing before. Geddit'?

Phobia: clown and high ceilings. Dont even ask me why. I would really like to know myself. Gawd, this is such a random post. Sorry if I wasted your time. ;P Ciao, lovess.

2009-12-17T03:44:00.003+08:00

i feel lonely.

when i look around me, i see people only whom i know or maybe i wave or say hi to. but do they really treat me as a friend or just as someone they know? my life has been filled with lots of ups and downs. and i did stuff younger which of course i regretted but only momentarily. and that's because whatever i did made me the person i am today.

sure, i have a messedup childhood, it was different from my sister's by a hundred percent. so now i'm confused with who my real friends are. the only person i can turn to is either ged or jaspreet. the rest just leaves me cold.

i get called out for outings every holiday. by my georgian friends, puterian friends and paulian friends. friends in my new school dont like me much i think. just because i transfered from the most horibble school in town so they get an immediate impression of who i am. or maybe im just too loud so i intimidate them. whatever the reason, i know they dont like my presence. there's always this negative vibe when i walk past.

i shouldnt just whine about this but im really stuck and am outve ideas of what to do. i try to be nice but will they treat me back the same way i did?

2009-12-16T14:38:00.007+08:00

Hi lovess,

Yea, okay so slap me. I haven't been updating as often as I used to but yea, okay. I've been busy. I usually always try to remember all the funny conversations I've had but failed I guess. Yea anyways, I will update really really summarised-yet-easy-to-understand posts I mean who doesnt understand summaries. or was it summarys? Bleagh, summaries. (: Here are a couple of LAWL conversations I had for this coupleve days.

Ged: You're eating so many fishballs. Yerrr, you dunno how to eat la.
Me: Fishballs got preservatives right? Don't worry, I'll live longer.
Ged: -.-''

Me: Gah, I'm like damn full.
Ged: Wait laa, rest first, later go eat summore.
Me: Are you like sick in the head? This aint no competition. -.-
Ged: GAHAHAHAHA!

Me: Look at that stupid idiotic dog. Licking it's balls and scratching.
Ged: Hahahah, I'm eating.
Me: Yea la, and mummy says I need table manners.

Ged: I'm so full. 0.0
Me: You look sexay. (I'm already drunk at this stage so yea.)
Ged: I know, I'm so full I feel sexy.

Yea, okay. If you dont find it funny but find it like tres lame, sorry, haha. (: But we are psychos and maybe cos ged has been living with me for 13 years already and know what my sense of humour is like. XD Omfg, we so click!

At this point of life, yea. I have already _____________ to a guy. No scratch that, two guys. But it was not on purpose. No not kiss/ hug/ have sex etc. (whatever your perverted mind is thinking of). I dont even wanna talk about. It's all mummy's fault. Eeek, tres embarassing. Lord, save me. Anyhoo, let's list down a bunch of stuff I have done:

Went to SunwayPyramid with Jaspreet and had her stay over at my place.
Hung out at the club.
Found out who stalks me (which is creepy)
Got a compliment from a guy whom I thought was a total dick (I dunno him) but he is STILL a dick.
Deflated someone's ego.
Went Christmas shopping.
Got new furniture...

Wth, my life is uber boring. Meh, I dont want the holidays to end. Bugger. Screw, I'm currently devising a genius plan to burn down the school. No, I dont exactly HATE it. Btw, HATE is a very strong word. I just want the holidays to last longer. Please Please, Me. Meh, ciao lovess.

2009-12-12T23:19:00.006+08:00

hey lovess,

recently i got sent to some whcko program i didn't even want to go to. *mad laughter* guess what? iturned out HORIBBLE. the worst ever 'program' ive ever been to in my 13 years of life. ive always thought my life couldn't be miserable enough. guess what? hah! this so called 'program' got me wrong. almost died and trust me, this is no exaggeration. idiotic sister couldnt even blog about it. all she did was blog about her lovely day while i was left suffering in nerdsville. and whose brillianteh idea is this? MOM.

i woke up dreading that very day. i didnt even sleep the night before. Gah, skipping all the details, i got there, bored to death got picked up by mum and dad. died.

Well, I vomitted. out went my lunch and dinner. ugh, i felt so sorry for myself. ohyea, when i threw up, my retainers came out as well, so yea. no details. dont want anyone throwing up now cos i hate the feeling. for a couple of days, i lost my appetite. no energy, felt light headed all the time, etc. Went home and I just slept altho' it was only about 8 something. Well, i can't really say much now so i guess i'll just end this post over here. before i do, i would like to thank all those who cared. (: ciao, lovess.

2009-12-09T00:39:00.002+08:00

hey loves;

omgomgomgomgomg! i absolutely loveeeeeeeee FishVille! I maybe only in level 3 but boy, im having super much fun! yea, okay, pretty lame but im lame. *grins* oh yea, by the way, ive been going thru emails and loaads of other stuffs and i presume most of you think im a miss goody two shoes &angelic. hahah, me? angelic? yea, maybe i sound like that but im really not an innocent goodgirl. so see me through before you judge. ;D

holidays have been bawring with the capital B. it's been the same monotonous, repetitive (yeap,theyre the same meaning but wth!) routine. it's almost a chore im being forced to endure. it's been pretty boring so i havent been in the mood to blog and all. oh yea, there's nothing much tob log about anyway. so pray something interesting happens. ged just came back from a party and she says shes gonna blog about that. shes also gonna boast about two more upcoming parties. pfft, im jealous. XD

so, anyyyyhoo, i hope you guys have fantastic holidays. trust me, there's no sarcasm. ciao, lovess. (:

2009-12-08T02:24:00.001+08:00

I love you more than Sunday mornings.

2009-12-08T01:47:00.004+08:00

Looking back, the holidays just flew by. I don't wanna go back to school. Really, I don't. I'm not the least bit excited bout that. My holidays have been filled with outings but no adventures. Constant trips to the club and messing about in Jusco making a fool outve myself were tremendously fun and i wish i could just reel everything back again.

It's just that when we don't observe the time, it goes by at lightning speed without us realising. Looking at the time makes it drag and you dread about how boring it is. I want the holidays back, really. It was random and fun and spontaneous! Overall, just plain awesome.

Now, I want to just daydream and think about how I want to date Homer. Yea, that Homer. The yellow one. ;D

2009-12-07T09:33:00.002+08:00

hey lovess,

i managed to drag myself up at 8am in the morning after 4 days of non stop partying. im here to chillax now and boy, am i bushed. forced myself to come online and to stay away from facebook and youtube (my lovelies) to blog! and although this wont be a nice looong post, im here to explain. super duper sorry for abandoning you guys for like agess already. ive been really caught up with friends and trying to forget him that after all my energy is already wasted, i dont have any mood to blog. guess i should start a vlog so i can just talk. you lovess will still follow, right? okay okay okay, i'll update tonight using dates from before. so scroll down! (:

ciao, lovess.

2009-12-04T16:05:00.010+08:00

letters to my sister

letter #6

dear geraldine,

yay!! screw hugs, i'll hurl myself at you. ;D mehhn, your SPM is FINALLY over. im equally as excited as you. all this time ive been trying to keep my mouth shut while you cram yourself with books filled with stuff i have yet to understand. im reallyyy proud of you. i don't really know if i can ever be as hardworking as you are.

Really cant wait to spend much time with you. (: I really dont know what else to say but: i wanna karaoke!

please?

2009-12-04T16:05:00.007+08:00

im terrified, really. if i would have to go through another second of knowing that it's time to let go and i keep reminding myself that i have to. i can't read your mind so i dont know all your thoughts although i wish that i did so that i need not be confused all the time. it's time to let go no matter how much i don't want to. for once, im not going to blame myself. it's you now, not me.

i wish time couldve stopped where and when i wanted it to. when i made that decision i never knew i was going to regret. what's the point of fretting now? it's far too late, i wish i couldve known. if this is the path God has chosen for me, he mustve woken up at the wrong side of His bed every single time you turned away. i like you too much but i can't say that anymore. so hey you, i liked you.

2009-11-29T02:53:00.003+08:00

hey lovess,

today is a super special day. expect something tomorrow or just pray im in a good mood to update. it's been ages since i have had a nice post up. it's almost three am now and im up here blogging. once again, good luck to all SPM candidates. sorry that was so random. ;D night night! ciao, lovess.

2009-11-28T02:22:00.003+08:00

waiting and falling, constantly calling out your name.

that's how ive been since you left me to my own disgrace. i should have realised from the way your eyes always burned into mine that you knew something i didnt. you knew i liked you so why didnt you do a god damn thing? you left me standing all clueless and afraid to tell you the truth of what i really felt. i guess, i was just another girl to you. i never meant a thing while you meant everything and i mean everything in the world to me. i wish i could stop hurting myself and although your absence is obvious, somehow, i really don't know how but you make me become unglued. broken and ashamed of myself with the fact that you already knew for decades long and you never said a word. you should have just been a man and told me straight in my face that you weren't interested instead of reeling me in. i shouldnt write about this anymore. goodbye.

2009-11-28T02:03:00.003+08:00

hey lovess,

i wish it was september, still.

my holidays so far are filled with valleys. one minuts im up and the next minute i find myself plunged to the bottom, struggling my way back up. i went for two outings and so far have watched three of the movies which i initially have so so so so very much wanted to: 2012, New Moon and A Christmas Carol. first and last were great but ive got to say new moon was a disappointment for i had expected much more. 2012 seems impossible so i think among the three, my pick would be for A Christmas Carol. ;D after ged is done with her SPM, she's bringing me to watch it in 3D. cant wait!

my first outing was with my puterian friends. that was alright, alright. we just walked around and watched a movie. watched them bowl cos i was poofed. second day was a complete blast! second day, i hung with my georgian friends and let's just say they are super fun people. we're all primary school mates so bonding with them was an awesome time. we messed around a lot, im too bored to go through the details but i can tell you we goofed about a lot, people stared, we laughed at them. basically just plain fun. would definitely like to do that again during the hols with the same gang: jazz, umee, share ( pronounced sha-reh *silent h*)

i was supposed to be at the club yesterday but i had no transportation back home so plan cancelled. umee was the only one there with some other friends and kir. jazz and share were sick. get well soon! i had a nice family time today though. we went to alson klana at noon and memories of my past started piling up on me. i remember going there all the time when i was a kid. alson is much better than royal bintang. does anybody actually notice that? anyway, we had dimsum. a LOT of dimsum that i was too bloated to actually carry myself but trust me, there was no regret although the dimsum was made of chicken instead of pork.

these few days have been a blast and im really thankful to still have many friends by my side although we seldom see each other and we're in different schools. i hope this relationship will last forever because it's definitely one that i treasure. of meaningful conversations, dirty looks and fooling around.

2009-11-24T22:23:00.002+08:00

hey lovess,

just feeling bored so i decided to blog about my posts. yea, im human so i have grammatical mistakes and spelling errors. plus, i don't re-read what i have blogged about because i type whatever comes into my head first. i'm too lazy to do any editting if i did make any mistakes anyway. i realise my mistakes arent that bad and whatever i type is still understandable unless of course if you're a retard. and if you are well, sorry if that was offensive. just trying to get my point across. so far no one has discriminated me about this so i think that i should explain first before anybody does. amen. ciao, lovess. have a pleasant holiday! ;D

2009-11-24T21:38:00.002+08:00

today is a down-in-the-dumps day for me. woke up ready for my second round of 2012 but jaspreet called and there were some complications yet, she still insisted on going today. i told her that we should just wait for darsh so that ended. on a happy note, my super close friend tong wrote a poem based on the theme of my blog. you can check out his blog for some really awesome poetry. the link to it is on the right hand side of my blog titled lovesss; raymond tong. i dunno what had driven me to write the story of us between me and my nanny's husband, uncle segaran there. yesterday, i just thought of it and there's that weird urge for me to write about so i did the thing which i always do, i blogged about it.

today, i went blog walking and decided to check ooi's blog only to discover that his beloved grandma has passed away. i shouldve known. when my aunt passed away, i wasnt able to shut my eyes. when there was an accident which killed my family friend i cried and begged mummy to let me skip tuition on that particular day. when my great-grandfather died, i had a gut feeling. so i guess i should have known that something bad was about to happen. anyway, to ooi's grandma, I never got the pleasure of being able to meet you but i'm sure you are a wonderful person. god bless and may you rest in peace.

2009-11-23T23:51:00.004+08:00

my love for bubbles. which kid doesnt like playing with soap?

bubbles are colourless but just for a little magic, blow bubbles where there's plenty of sunlight and try to spot a glimpse of the rainbow. ;D
bubbles to me represents our life. it's made then is let to soar but it bursts and there is nothing left but that soapy scent which still lingers in the air. we are born then we pass but we're remembered. simple yet meaningful.
Bubbles are fun and is useful for distracting immature minds. heheh, blow bubbles to amuse kids but don't let them get into eyes, they hurt. (;
i've always imagined a world full of bubbles. one day, im going to buy the world's biggest bubble blower (BBB) and start blowing bubbles so the whole world will turn pretty. imagine millions of cute little bubbles floating all around you. innit nice? ;D

bubbles are cheap. a bottle of liquid costs only about RM1.20 here in my local neighbourhood store. buy them for a bit of fun and watch your world turn into a fantasy one. ;D

2009-11-23T22:37:00.006+08:00

'hello? may i speak to 'amma' please?'
'hello. balai polis nilai. who's on the line?'
'haha, uncle segaran. stephanie here, may i speak to 'amma' please?
'hehehehe, okay okay. hold on.'

that particular phone conversation has never been altered since i was four. 'amma' was my babysitter cum substitute mother and uncle segaran was her husband. uncle segaran used to smoke and i was fully aware i was a passive smoker whenever i went to his house every afternoon but when you're just a child, who really cares? i've known amma and uncle segaran since i was a squeling infant. at first, my mother hesitated having me taken cared of by an indian lady in her late forties but i was hesitant because i liked her so very much. but this story isnt about amma, it's about uncle segaran. i always thought of amma first and uncle segaran rarely ever crossed my mind. it's true that the people whom we barely know is the people who will leave the biggest impression on us.

as i ran barefoot feeling the wet grass tickle my toes, there uncle segaran would sit with his mandatory cup of coffee, freshly printed tamil newspapers and his favourite brand of malboro menthol cigarettes. if i fell (it happens frequently; im a klutz) he would get up in an instant and help me up ; brushing the grass off my clothes and asked me if i was okay.

i remembered the time he brought me to a pet store. i was fascinated by a majestic fish called the arowana. he bought me that fish on the same day. we named the fish together. from that day on, i had a fish named princess. (: uncle segaran would tell me stories and put on tamil films for me to watch. he played with me and would bring me around town with amma. uncle segaran stopped smoking when i was eight because he had a heart problem and minor heart attacks have occured more than once. i loved being with amma and uncle segaran that i would sometimes spend the night there.

as i got older, a baby boy was sent to amma to be taken care of as well. i have always loved children then and now that i helped amma take care of him. he was only with us for a few weeks. his name, if im not mistaken is jaycee and he is now 8 years old. i would change his diapers and take his bath. in other words, i loved him like my own brother. uncle segaran wasnt home most of the time because he decided to get a job. i never knew what job it was but i know he quit because of the minor heart attacks. when i was 8, i stopped going to amma's house but i still do visit every deepavali and call every weekend.

weeks turned to months and months turned to years. the calls got less and less frequent. one day, my arowana fish, princess' aquarium broke. uncle segaran tried to save princess and helped amma clean up the whole mess. he was exhausted after that thanks to old age so he went to take a nap. he never got up. i never saw him again. i didnt go for his funeral out of grief. i was much too ashamed to even face amma and to see uncle segaran. what would i say? how can i apologise? would they understand? i am still at a loss at what to do although uncle segaran passed away three months ago. all i could do was just cry.

2009-11-23T00:05:00.003+08:00

it's no longer a want but a need. to know what it's like but to be afraid of finding out what that really is. because the hurt is much too much to bear and with that you are stripped bare of everything you ever own and possess. to face the world and be who we really are is a challenge which is turned down every single time again and again that it is practically an unbreakable cycle, held strong by the barriers which act as a shield. and we, the misfortunates are trapped inside unable to break free. but, it's not as if we try to we're all to comfortable in our own skins, where we stand that it doesn't even matter anymore. if we dug deep, we would know.

2009-11-22T23:45:00.005+08:00

hey loves,

made a card for ol' kosh. ;D

mum is on the warpath. five little words can mean so much. four words now, I love my papaaaaaaaaaa. ;D theree words, ged, i know. im fully aware that there is a coupleve blogs which yea, are trying their very best. so hard that they practically smash their faces on the ground and try soo hard, im not even trying to explain how HARD they try because no amount of words can do them any justice to actually try to blog like me. oh hey, im totally cool with that. NOT. but im not going to frustrate myself and just get on with the updates. but just a short message to fakers: you lack originality.

anyhoo ladeedoo, today was fun! went to my dear friend koshalaa's house to celebrate her birthday and got flour and water so yea, i got into a really sticky mess but it was fun enough so i dint mind. after that, went home, took a shower, dolledup and celebrated amanda's (cousin) birthday. her birthday isnt until two more days but since she has a piano exmination somehow, she wont be able to celebrate on her actual birthday. the owner of fireworks photographed my whole fam when we were sining the birthday song. so if anyone of you guys happen to be in fireworkz, seremban, take a look at a big board full of pictures. try hard to find my goofy beaming face.

i had fun. and oh yea, i gave a present to a girl who has down syndrome. just felt pretty sorry for her but i know she tried her very best in her UPSR. she scored an A for bm btw. im not really judgemental when it comes to education so i dont mind if you cant read or write or if you're not-that-smart. okay fine, stupid. i dont care if you're stupid.

that's pretty much all i did today. pretty boring, huh? tomorrow's going to be worse. much much worse. on tuesday, me and jaspreet might be going out at night for a movie. let's just pray her mum isnt as vicious as mine is. xD good luck to spm candidates, i'll pray for you guys! ;D ciao, lovess.

2009-11-22T00:08:00.003+08:00

hey lovess,

really bored so i went treasure hunting for my lost choral speaking script. onstead i found an old map, nearly torn so i got thinking. desperate need of doing something fun so i went ahead and did this:

im still thinking of what else i can do with this map. i have a feeling im going to have loads of fun with it! ;D

anyhoo ladeedoo, i think im going to spend my holidays doing lots of pretty craft and take some fantastic pictures. i wanna spend some time with my 'rents no so seeya, lovess. ;D

2009-11-21T23:21:00.002+08:00

there's been a lot of birthdays. recently my gramma celebrated her bday but i couldnt make it cos i was sickk. damn but anyway, they brought me back a piece of cake, isnt it sweet? ;D i love my gramma and i wish she leads a looooooooooooooooooooooooong and healthy life. i will round up all the birthdays for november, wish me luck cos there's going to be loads. speaking of which, im going to celebrate koshalaa's birthday tomorrow at her house! GONNA BE LOADS OF FUN!!

2009-11-21T23:00:00.005+08:00

that last day of school was hell for me.

you asked me something which immediately fogged up my mind and i answered something short and precise afraid that the urge of wanting you to feel the same way i do for you will just kill me.

all this self-restraint makes me afraid. so awfully afraid that im on the verge of actually peeing on myself. so what happens when the similar feelings for him comes back and the urge to just being able to be near him persists? i run, and i run fast; far away from it although my friends push and push and push. i told myself, i have to resist. lelove.

we walked side by side but i drift apart, not wanting you near me because i know you will go soon. and after today, i wont ever be seeing you again so i might as well forget about you. you sensed me walking away so you came closer.

all those memories of you, i just want to wash away. i want the wind to carry those memories of us together somewhere else so there will be not hurt. no pain. i feelings are all mixed up. do you feel the same way i do? if you did why wont you tell me?

you looked at me but i looked straight ahead. there's just so much tension when you do i had to hold back my tears. i wanted to look back. to look back at you who is the first person whom i fell hard and fast for. how can you make me become so undone?

you took a knife and stabbed it through my heart and although it may cure, there will always be a scar to remind me of you. i know that all the years that i will be living through, there will always be that one person that i'll always have feelings for and that i'll never ever forget. i fear that person might be you.

you said, 'see ya.' and walked away never looking back. i had to say, 'goodbye' and i walked away always looking back at you. although we said nothing while we walked, i left with that feeling inside that that 'conversation' was the best that we had.

on the last day of school, we never spoke. neither did we glance at each other and smiled or said hi to each other when we passed. i guess we will just be strangers now.

2009-11-21T13:07:00.005+08:00

hey lovess,

daddy finally got the internet fixed so i guess it's pretty sane now. the last few [s]days[/s] weeks actually have been pretty boring for me. i never thought i would be able to live through weeks and weeks without the internt but i did. pretty awesome huh? some techie guy finally came over today and fixed streamyx wireless. im pretty useless at all this tech stuff but all i know is the internet is much faster now. highly reccomended. ;D anyhoo ladeedoo, just want to wish all the spm candidates loads and loads of luck and i will pray for you. for sure.

kindve sad that school's over. really missed my friends. i fell sick and felt like crap all day. it's sad to know how time passes so fast. came here on the 3rd of april and now it's the last day of school on the 20th of November. I hope time goes slow, really slow although i know i'll probably die of boredom. people have been asking me, how im going to spend my holidays and i give them the same answer, it's going to be a spontaneous holiday this time. i wont have anything planned out or prepared ahead. i hope it's not going to be the same old daily routine of getting up at 1pm and hitting the hay at 3am. skin condition is bad and circles under my eyes: not fading.

mum has been nagging and nagging and planning on sending me for ridiculous courses which demand ridiculously high fee and i think it really isnt worth it. oh great, know what? she wants to send me for accounts tuition classes now. i shall no longer be able to enjoy to happiness of the holidays. but my bestie umeera is cooking up something lovely. outings and going out to the club. cant wait! maybe it isnt so bad after all. ;D